Tuesday, December 2, 2008

There will be day

I heard this song on the radio on my way home today and it has been with me ever since. It's by Jeremy Camp, I think it's called There Will Be a Day. The chorus says:

"There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears. There will be day when the burdens of the place will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face."

And all I can think of is the hope in that statement. The hope that all that I've been through these last few years will some day be irrevelant, the hope of things to come. The hope that some day, I will feel no more pain.

It bothers me some, that I am in this much pain, both emotionally and physically. Some part of me goes, you have the hope of Christ in your life, why are you in pain? I wonder if I am truly showing the love of Christ in my life with all my "complaining" and all of my sadness and all of my difficulty of coping. But I know that Christ never said I would never face trials, never feel pain, never experience bad things. But He did say He would be with me. In reality, things could be worse. Much worse. I realize that. It still doesn't seem to relieve the pain.

And yet, there will be a day. I know this in the deepest part of me. There will be a day.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Auto bailout

OK. So in what world does this make sense.

3 big companies in financial trouble decide to fly to the capital to ask for money. So they decide to spend $20,000 EACH flying to the capital. To ask for money. Because they are going bankrupt. And they expect me to fork over MY money to keep them afloat? Are you KIDDING me? They would have had much more credibility and much more of my support if they had flown commercial, with the regular people, rather than trying to be snobbish big wigs and fly chartered. Come ON, think about it. What does that say about your financial finesse? $20,000 to fly private as opposed to $300 to fly commercial? No wonder you are in financial trouble. Get over yourself. Fly commercial.

Sorry, that's my rant for today. I just can't believe that.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Received this text below in an e-mail this morning and it just struck me. It's always been a struggle for me to be happy where I was at the time that I'm there. I always tend to look to tomorrow or yesterday for happiness, despite my desire to be satisfied and happy with where I am. I just had to share as it's one of the cries of my heart.

When I was four, I wished I could go to the first grade like Mike Munoz, who lived three doors down.

When I got into the first grade I wished I was in third, because you get to go on field trips.

When I was in third I wished I was in fifth, because you could be a safety patrol.

When I was in fifth I wished I was in sixth, because you get to go to Austin to see the capital.

When I was in sixth I wished I was in junior high, because you get to play tackle football.

When I was in junior high I spent Friday nights watching high school football under the lights, and high school cheerleaders bouncing up and down on the sidelines; and I wished I was in the tenth grade.

When I was in the tenth grade my face looked like an Eggo waffle; and my grades were circling the drain; and I wished I was already graduated and gone.

When I was a freshman in college I wished I was a sophomore so my fraternity brothers would stop rubbing my head for luck.

When I was a sophomore I wished I was a senior so I could be done with 8:00 classes and higher learning forever.

When I was a senior I thought maybe you have to get married for your life to work, so I did. Three months into marriage I wished I was single. Six months into marriage I was convinced that the secret to happiness is more money, so I tried. Two years into marriage, I thought if we had a baby life wou ld be happy. Once we had a baby I realized that I wouldn’t be the baby anymore, which made me wish I was the center of attention more than ever.

It’s easy to spend our life sailing toward the next buoy on the horizon. We bet everything on the new year, the next sale, the new house, the winning number, the better job, the right relationship…believing that if we ever reach it we’ll find what we’re looking for.

That is the story of my life until I was 45 and started realizing I’d spent 40 years wishing and waiting, rather than living.

This Thanksgiving take a quick inventory of what you have in your life now; not what you wish for. Let’s experience Thanksgiving in the present tense.

Friday, November 14, 2008

My story

Last Sunday at church, we were challenged to write our story in 100 words or less. I've spent all week thinking, struggling over this. Maybe not praying like I should about it. But all I could think of was....in process. My story is in process. It's not defined yet. I can not come up with any defined moment where suddenly, God was real to me, His sacrifice made sense. It's always been a bit of a mystery to me. One I accept, trust, believe, but still a mystery.

There were times I felt closer to God than I do now, where I felt more in tune with Him and His plan. I admit to that. I miss that. I want it back. I find myself angry. I wonder, can I be angry at Him? I love him. I trust His plan. I just don't understand His plan right now. I can't see where He is taking me. Yet I still follow. What does that say about me? That I'm not truly on board? Or my faith is stronger than I think?

So I'm in process. I'm trying to believe, to just trust and see where this is going. Where all these struggles are leading. I pray that I can get back to where I feel Him again. Because I miss it.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Debt go bye bye

I just wanted to say really quickly. I'm very excited. We have started the big pay off on the house, finally. Two paychecks under our belt from Andrew's teaching, and two big fat 4 digit payments on the house. It will probably take longer than our original 2 year plan to get the whole thing paid off, but it still is very nice to see that 8 turn into a 7 and into a 6 and so on.

Just for reference, here is the house as it looked when we bought it almost 3 years to date now:

And now:

Wow has that tree in front grown or what. And needs to be trimmed. Ahh well, home maintenance. Wonder if I can wait till it's paid off to worry about it? J/K! :)

Monday, October 6, 2008

Stop and listen to the music

Stop and listen to the music. It has been too long since I’ve listened to the words and melodies of many songs for the pure enjoyment of listening. Too much time has been spent “working” as I try to commit the words and melodies to memories, or trying to learn new skills, hear new things or allow my creative juices to flow. Now, while that is definitely a useful, worthwhile and enjoyable task to me, there is just something to be said about sitting back and letting it flow through you and touch your soul. Something about music tends to reach to places that you didn’t even know you had.

Being off this last week, I think I’ve realized something. As it is with the music, I’ve realized that I’ve spent so much of my time and my life trying to accomplish all the various tasks that I have on my plate. Whether it be a task for my job, cleaning my house, cooking dinner, running the various errands, working on new music, participating and worshipping at church, I’ve just been busy. I haven’t found the enjoyment from these tasks as I would have thought I should. They were just “tasks,” things to have been gotten through. I’ve read it over and over about the benefit of taking time to stop and smell the roses, but I don’t think I’ve realized really how big of a benefit there is in there. It’s also been said over and over that throughout all our busyness, we have forgotten the most important things in our lives….our families. Now, our (Andrew’s and mine) family may just really consist of each other at the moment, but we have not been giving each other the time that we really should be. I know that even if I am at home, I am still working, checking e-mail, stressing over something that I couldn’t get to – to the point that I can’t let go. That, in combination with everything else, I have managed to bring myself to the brink of complete and total emotional breakdown. I have to ask, is all this “busyness” really worth it? Am I really fulfilling my purpose for my life? If I’m not, how can I possibly expect to learn of my purpose if I’m too busy to listen to the One who gave me purpose?

In order to put things right again, I must, absolutely must, regain direction. Instead of tasks to fill up the hours, I need to be silent and hear His voice. Maybe take a walk in silence – or even with my music, as a time of pure relaxation and listening to His voice. I never feel closer to God than when I am just listening to the words He has given to others to share. I must learn to do this more often.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Bad demographic research?

Ok so here's an annoyance factor. Forgive my rant but this is just getting old for me. Just because you visit an OB-GYN does not mean you have, are, or were pregnant. So why, ever since my two failed pregnancies, have we started to receive magazines on how to raise children. The newest being Babytalk: Straight Talk for New Mom's. And not only that, but they are going addressed to Andrew? And Andrew never requested them? So what, did they see that I was visiting a doc for a pregnancy, but failed to realize that we LOST said pregnancy? So according to their records I would have a 6 month old or be 5 months pregnant?!? And besides, how would they get that information, so is this just random oh they are a 20 something couple who've been married and in a house for a few years so they MUST be trying to have children or already have children?! I dunno, but sending a magazine about raising an infant is NOT a good idea if said household has only known the sadness of a loss of pregnancy rather than the joy of a full term healthy new arrival.

Granted I'm not totally torn up by it, just annoyed. I just think what would I have felt had this come back in May of this year, or even February?! Then I totally would have lost it. Right now, I just feel a mild annoyance and as I hadn't blogged in a while, figured I should blog something and this just seemed to fit.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The journey begins

Well, some of you may know that Andrew and I are involved in a new church plant here where we live. I know I haven't written much about it before now, but thought I should "get it out there" so to speak.

Today was our almost first service! It really was just a dress rehearsal to see how long it takes to set up/tear down, test the sound for the band and just find all those little things that we failed to think about beforehand. It was a lot of fun actually. Andrew and I carpooled with another of the band members, our one and only teenager, and arrived extra early. (I wanted to leave time to get lost, since my sense of direction is, well, challenged.) Finally, the others in our crew arrived, minus our de facto band leader in the absence of my mother (who is the actual band leader.) We began set up and finally I called our bass/acoustic guitarist. Imagine my surprise when I woke him up! Turns out he had set his alarm for PM instead of AM!!! Quite amusing, but he showed up about 30 minutes after I called him, which is quite a feat as he lives near me and it's 30 minutes in good traffic and going the speed limit!

We managed to get all set up in around 45 minutes and that really only left us 20 to warm up the band. We did and then people showed up, yay! Our teens mom and a friend and her friend. It was awesome. There was about 10-12 of us all together. We had a nice service of some music and a short discussion time and then more music. We rounded things up around 11:30 and then packed up and went home.

Overall, it went well. Set up was hurried and confusing, of course. Simply because we all had assigned jobs - but no one other than me bothered to look at what their job was! And then they all looked at me to tell THEM what to do. Boy was I laughing when it was all over, wondering how I ended up as the de facto leader. Nevermind my father is the pastor and my mother the band leader, but still!! Regardless, we got it all done. It wasn't without it's errors, issues, glitches, embarassing moments, but we worshipped God with good friends. I pray we make a difference in our community, and truly become the hands and feet of Christ here. It will be quite an amazing journey, but we are very excited to begin the walk.

If interested, check us out at www.quest2819.org. I set up the site, so hopefully you like it! ;)

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Labor Day weekend

Wow, has it been a busy few weeks. It seems like just yesterday, it was the beginning of August. I can hardly believe that tomorrow is September. And Labor Day is just way to early in September this year.

Well as stated above, it's been hectic around here. I've been on the road far more than I think I could handle. It started out the 2nd week in August with a trip to Chicago for a trade show training seminar. While I learned a lot of excellent information and useful tips for work, that was 4 days out of the office. I did have some time for leisure where I visited with my "namesake." My mother's best friend from her childhood. We had a wonderful time with dinner and a little tour around downtown Chicago. I decided that Chicago is a nice place to visit, but I definitely would not want to live there. Thursday, the last day there, I had what can only be described as an "episode" where I decided that I just had to get home and right away. The seminar was over at noon but my flight was not until 9pm. But in my agitated state, I booked it to the airport and managed to catch a 2pm flight. Was so happy to be home I just bawled once I walked in the door. That week was also Andrew's last week of freedom!

The next week, third week in August, I again was out for the first three days. But this time I was in Huntsville for meetings. Andrew started his first week as a paraeducator. But, he found out by Wednesday that they were offering him a full time teaching position, to begin the next Monday. We were thrilled! But so began the preparations. We spent the weekend setting up his classroom as best we could.

Then comes this past week. I was gone AGAIN. This time in Santa Clara, California and LA. While it was a very productive trip in terms of the future, I again was unable to get as much done as I would have liked. I have begun to really feel the pressure of all the travel and then the demands of the office as well as my personal life. Sleep has gone by the wayside, stress is way up. Doesn't help that this was also Andrew's first week of teaching, so that meant additional stress for both of us. Andrew, just because it's his first week of teaching and talk about a learning curve! There is so much to take into consideration when setting up a classroom and determining these lesson plans. And Andrew's penchant for perfectionism is leading him to place more pressure on himself and stress himself out even more. That in turn spills out on me. And me being stressed out to begin with, well lets just say it's been a fun week. I'm exhausted, crying at every turn and Andrew is just as stressed but being a guy, he can't just bawl at the drop of a hat. (Why is that, btw? Can anyone answer me that?)

So anyway, who knows how much of this is in reaction to the meds they have me on since the surgery in July. Thankfully, the last shot is Tuesday, then hopefully my body can get back to normal. That and the completion of AstriCon, which will be a complete weight lifted.

So maybe I'll head to bed now. If you are reading this, please pray for us. While these troubles are very minor compared to what many others have to deal with, I feel very much at the end of my rope and just need God's peace and faith in Him that whatever happens in the future, I will be taken care of. Not that I really doubt it. I dunno, maybe I do since I worry. I don't want to worry, I want to trust. And while at times I have absolute peace and trust in Him, it seems that at night, all of that peace and trust disappears and all I'm left with is my fear. Especially those early mornings when I can no longer sleep, but its too early to rise. *Sigh* I just want to enjoy where I am right now. Is that too much to ask?

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Lazy week and bye bye debt

Lisa and I are just kind of taking it easy for the next week. I will start my teaching job a week from Monday. I sold off about 1/2 of my vending business. It was nice to finally be able to write the check to pay off my student loans. We are debt free but the house now. Hopefully in the next 2 years we will be totally debt free. It takes discipline and sacrifices but it will be worth it when we are debt free. Last weekend we spent a few days in Columbia for a short vacation, it was nice to get out of town for a few days. Hoping I can get the rest of my vending sold soon, or I will be running after school to get it done. It would give us a nice chunk of money to pay down on the house.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Oh crappy day!

Well from one extreme to the other isn't it? Almost feels like there must be something to counteract everything. So for every good there is a bad? Had my post op appointment today and it turns out I have Stage IV endo. Doc said that means it's been growing in there for 7-10 YEARS. Years! That means it more than likely began growing when I became very ill back in 2000. Coincidence? Hmmm. I think NOT. Basically that tells me that the doctors before really weren't listening to me. Stress causing it, yeah right. Someone tell me please why it had to take 8 years and two miscarriages before the REAL reason for my stomach/weight issues to be discovered?

So what does Stage IV endo mean? I'm not entirely sure as I have adamantly refused to google it. I haven't wanted to know. Too much of the information out on the internet tends to be bad news and I just can't bear to look at it that way. All I know is that it was all over everything. Pelvic floor, uterus (both inside and out), probably bladder and intestines (hence the STOMACH/DIGESTION problems), one of my ovaries was just covered in it. It is unequivocally the reason for my miscarriages. Hands down. It caused the poor egg quality, it hindered the progesterone development. It probably was the cause of my extremely irregular cycles.

So where to from here? Doc lasered out as much of the endo as he could during the surgery. He has placed me on pseudo-menopause until December, which will starve out/kill any remaining endo he couldn't get to. Then we have to get pregnant FAST. We have about 6 months before the endo starts growing back. After birth - I have to go on the pill that only allows 3 cycles a YEAR. Then get pregnant fast again. Thing is, with the drug regimen the doc is putting me on - I have an increased risk for multiples. So that thing I had growing up about always wanting TWINS? Well it's a real possibility now. Funny how these things work out, huh?

So mostly, I think I'm ok. A bit frustrated that the wait is going to have to be so long. I want it and I want it now on some things. Mostly angry that all these things were related - that I can pretty much deduce that this all STARTED back in January 2000 when I first became ill and I had to FIGHT that doc to even consider that something more was wrong with me than just STRESS. 3 months and 20 lbs and a little internal bleeding later - oh I guess something WAS wrong. What is wrong, oh I dunno?! I've heard it said that's why it's called a medical practice but why do I have to be the guinea pig? Grr. On the positive side, doc seems pretty confident that I'll be pregnant by March of 09. December seems a popular month for milestones in my life.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Oh happy day!

Our prayers have been answered - partially! Andrew was offered a position today with a middle school here in town, as a paraeducator. Now it's not what we were really hoping for as it's not a full time teaching position, but it is with an excellent school that is very excited to have him and there is the possibility of moving into a full time teaching position very quickly! We are trusting God in His plan for us right now. So please continue to pray for us, for continued growth in our careers and our family and that God will continue to work towards our dreams coming true!

Sunday, July 20, 2008


I just have to share. I feel awesome! We had a wonderful weekend. Andrew had good interviews on Friday, we had a good time with friends all weekend (Dinner Saturday night and then a baptism all this afternoon.) For the first time in a long time, I feel refreshed, even if exhausted. Still it feels good.

Friday, July 18, 2008


Wow what a week! I have been absolutely wrecked all week and all because of one little procedure. Of course I'm a bit harder on myself than I really should be but...oh well!

So update. Last Friday, I had what's known as a laproscopy and hysteroscopy. For those of you who don't know, the laproscopy requires they cut a hole in my belly button and stick a little camera and laser thing in there and scope around my innards looking for stuff. Same with the hysteroscopy. The report? Well the doc found a lot of endometriosis. I'm not sure how much entirely because I have yet to talk to him and mom and Andrew only spoke with him for a few short moments. All I know is the doc was surprised at how much he found for someone as young as me. (Awww I'm still young - even if I feel about 60!) So what does this mean? Well the doc lasered as much out as he could get to, and they have given me drugs that will put me into a short menopause for two months. The combination of these two things should kill every last bit of it. Then after that, God willing, our next little one should stick and you won't have to deal with any more of my lamenting posts!

So I'm not entirely surprised with this, seeing as how I have such a family history of it. And had you asked me earlier this week what I thought, I would have told you I was angry. And I was then. Not sure about what, maybe that they actually found something and it just proved how deficient I really was. I honestly can't tell you. But my wonderful husband pointed out to me that at least they found something that can be corrected! It's fixable. Of course this greatly increases my chances of NOT making it to a natural menopause, but in terms of having children, it's fixable. So I thank God for that. And I will rely on Him to see to my future. Anyway, right now I feel very optimistic and positive and excited. It's been this way for the last few days. So I'll take it!

Oh! Doc also said the endo was probably causing all of my tummy and back aches through out the years. Joy! That means I should be feeling like a completely NEW person, physically, once I have healed completely from the surgery. (Still waiting for my body to say it's done giving me trouble with the whole healing bit).

And on another completely different topic - Andrew interviewed for a few para educator positions here in town. These are all part time, non certified positions, but we feel that this would be a good way to get his name known in the schools and lead, fairly quickly, to a contracted position. So it looks very good on both of them so far! Looks like he may have to make a choice over which one to actually take! :-D

Monday, July 7, 2008

Things you don't know about me

I got to thinking the other day (I know, I probably shouldn’t think) about who I used to be and who I am now. And that got me thinking about the reasons why. So – what don’t you know about me.

  1. Shy – I’m really not shy and introverted. I used to be very extroverted, outgoing. I never had a problem walking up to a total stranger and beginning a conversation. My mother has told me stories of being a precocious 3 year old walking up to individuals who smoked and told them “you’re gonna die.” I was constantly involved in activities that brought me into contact with large groups of people. I was always talking with someone about something, whether it is with notes passed in class or conversations in the hallways. Nowadays – I tend to prefer to stay in my house and read. I don’t talk much; I sit back and listen to others. I’m involved in many activities, but I don’t participate much on a verbal level outside of discussing the task on hand. The reason? Complete and utter lack of self-esteem. Which leads me to reason number 2.
  2. Extremely self confident – at least this is how I appear to the world at large. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been described as confident when in fact, this is the furthest thing from the truth. If there were a scale to measure my self-esteem, I wouldn’t even be ON the chart. In fact, you’d have to develop a negative self-esteem chart just to be able to chart me. Why? To be honest, I’m not sure. Things happened during my college years that just knocked me on my butt. And while I got back up when they happened, I think they took a piece out of me that I’ve never been able to get back. And as life progressed and I entered the adult world – more things happened that convinced me even further of my lack of self worth and it’s a vicious cycle that once you are in – I’m not sure how to get out of.
  3. I speak up – I used to anyway. If I did not agree with something, I told you so in no uncertain terms. Either by words or deeds. In fact, I attended the Catholic youth group in high school because of the contention of the Protestant youth group that the Catholics were going to hell and so was I because I drank alcohol and hugged (HUGGED) boys. Now that raised some eyebrows – the Protestant head chaplain’s daughter attending the Catholic youth group. I believe my dad was questioned about that even. Now, not so much. If I am questioned directly – I’ll probably not be able to help myself and will speak up – as long as I’m not in a group setting. If I’m in a group, I find it very hard to share, or even say anything at all. I think this relates to the lack of self-esteem, as I usually feel that I have nothing of value to offer the conversation or the decision making, so I stay mum.
  4. I am not my own worst enemy – uhh NOT. No one is harder on myself than, well myself. I critique everything I do with a fine tooth comb and constantly find myself wanting. No one could live up to the standards I set for myself. Talk about setting yourself up to fail – since I could never meet my own standards I often don’t even try. Then beat myself up for not meeting my standards. Because of this, I can’t stand to be nit picked. Nit picking drives me to distraction and is positively the BEST way to push a hot button of mine and cause a most interesting reaction. Thankfully, so far, the only time I have been nit picked recently has been electronically so no one ever sees the reaction.

I think that *may* be it, although I’m not entirely sure. This is all I can think of tonight anyway. Besides, 698 words is a long enough post, you probably don’t really want to read anymore.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Random thought

Ok. I must be ill. I'm sitting here relaxing after cleaning my house after having some friends over for dinner and a very productive meeting to determine the new church's "bylaws" and suddenly a thought enters my head. It's more like an urge to go do something. And that something is...travel. I suddenly felt a strong desire to fly somewhere other than home. I will repeat myself. I must be ill. :-D

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Really, it's all good.

So I've noticed something recently.  Don't know why I didn't notice this before, but it's suddenly hit me.  And I've heard this before from other women who have struggled with fertility problems.  But it's the "conversation." Them: "So, how long have you been married?" Me: "Coming up on 5 years."  Them: "Any kids yet?" Me: "Uh no."  Them: "Oh well you're young, there's plenty of time."  !?!?!  And meanwhile, internally, I'm thinking, it ain't for lack of trying! Why is it that the immediate assumption when people find out you've been married for several years is, oh there should be kids?  It just makes me want to cry, because it's not like we haven't been trying, for the past 10 months anyway.  It's not like I haven't managed two pregnancies, but my incompetent body won't allow me to keep them past 5 weeks 3 days.  And no, there is NOT plenty of times.  If I am having these problems at the young age of 28, where the heck do you think I'll be at 30 or 32 or older?  In terms of fertility, at 28 I'm already well past the "prime." 

I already feel like a failure since it seems like something that should be natural and easy to obtain is impossible for me.  I mean what is the point of all this crap that I, as a woman, must go through if I'm not going to be able to carry a child to full term?  And why for goodness sakes, did I worry about birth control for those first years of my marriage?!  Not like it would have mattered, since my body is just a useless piece of crap.

The tone of this may sound angry.  You wouldn't be too far off the mark.  I am angry.  I cover it well.  You would never know it by looking at me or talking to me.  You ask how I'm doing, I'm going to say fine, good, whatever is the proper response.  But walk one day in my shoes, holding a brand new baby and fighting back the tears knowing that it should have been yours in your arms.  Watching your husband hold that baby and just the delight in his eyes and on his face, and knowing that you will have to fight with every ounce of your being to provide that for him and rely on the medical profession to make it possible for you.  Me?  Rely on anyone other than myself and my  God?  Never say so.

Maybe that's my struggle.  Realizing that I can't do this, that my imperfect body will never allow it.  Statistics may say that I do not have that much greater of a risk of miscarrying a third time as I did a second time.  I'd rather not try to prove those statistics right or wrong.  I can't take a third loss.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Constant bruises?

Ok so I'm not sure this whole taking one baby aspirin a day to "thin" my blood is entirely the thing I need to be doing. I've noticed since I began this regimen that I now am bruising very very easily. For example, I now have a bruise around my arm where my watch usually sits. What is up with that? I don't think that is normal. Not only that, but I have 4 or 5 small bruises (about the size of a finger tip) on my arms and legs, but I don't remember running into anything or being hit with anything or grabbed roughly? And the one place I did get smacked good, I have no bruise, just a goose egg type bump that is to this day, still very sore.

On another note, looks like I may have a deck when I get home! I am currently traveling in Las Vegas for work and Andrew and my dad are working feverishly to build our deck for our backyard and the phone call from my mother today indicated that they have the majority of it done! So I'm looking forward to getting home and seeing my new outdoor space. Now if only I could have some grass....and a fence! :)

Thursday, June 12, 2008


Wow, so I'm apparently grumpy, lol. Must be leftover hormones or something, I dunno. Reading over last nights post, I have to learn to not just let my mind go in my writing. :-D

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Ok so I think I've had enough of being kicked when I am down. Ever feel like the world is just out to get you? Ever get to the point that enough is enough? Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and not get out. I am so exhausted and I'm tired of being exhausted!

So anyway. It's been a weekend. First, Andrew is driving around doing his vending last Thursday when the overdrive light comes on. He takes it to be looked at and is told the transmission is failing and it's only a matter of time, and by the way, it's $1800 to repair it. Now some of you may not know, but Andrew's truck is a 98 Ford Explorer that has seen better days. It's been wrecked at least 4 times, one of those was a roll over that salvaged it. It has 170,000 miles on it and we were only keeping it until the wheels fell off. We always planned on buying Andrew something a little better for when he began teaching. We did NOT want to fix it now. So what to do.

While we were still contemplating that, we had the carpet people at the house to fix the carpet in the basement as it had started bunching up in areas. While doing that, we discovered that our basement is now leaking in a different area than ever before! So we piled dirt around the foundation hoping that would fix the problem before it rained again that night. And the result? More water. What next?!

Well then Sunday, we are returning home from church in the truck, driving up the hill on Noland Road and what happens? You got it. The transmission fails completely. We can't go forward, backwards, nothing. We are stuck in the middle of the road on a big hill. We are finally able to go backwards (thanks to gravity) and get the truck off the road and get a tow home. So now we are forced to buy a vehicle NOW. We had hoped we had at least a month. So we search, we scramble, and we stumble upon a 96 Explorer with less miles for a price we are willing to pay. We test drive, we decide to buy.

I have to work from home on Monday to leave Andrew access to a vehicle to take care of the car purchasing. And then...our power goes out AGAIN. For the 10th time since Memorial Day. At 830 in the morning as I'm in the middle of composing an e-mail. Now I'm dead in the water for work if I don't have e-mail/internet access. There isn't much I can do. So, unshowered, I get a ride over to my parents to work from there.

Tuesday, my doctors appointment with our fertility specialist. While I was mostly excited about it, I wasn't sure what to expect. And I get there, and well, it doesn't start out well. The doctor begins by lecturing me on not having a D&C on both of my miscarriages. I explain my reasons (being that a D&C is an abortion..but my baby's were already dead) and he proceeds to tell me that I never had a baby, it was only a mass of cells. Well at this point I'm almost crying. I simply respond with "It was a baby to me." He shut up about it, I dropped it and we moved on to the rest. Turns out he feels my eggs are probably not good quality, hence the low progesterone I keep experiencing. And he wants to test me for endometriosis and look at my other bits to make sure nothing there is bad. Which is good, because he doesn't want me to get pregnant again, only to loose that baby as well. He seems to think that my stomach issues could actually be caused by endo and not ibs or collitis as was thought.

So here I am, wondering what God's plan is for me. Wishing sometimes I could see things from His point of view. Wondering why He feels so far away right now. Wondering why I feel so disconnected from Him. Where have I gone wrong? Have I gone wrong? Is this just a test? Is this like Job, where in fact God has so much faith in my faith in Him that He knows I can handle this? In reality, things are not that bad. They just feel bad. Because there seems to be no end, and no hope. Everything seems to be such a battle. Everything is a fight. I don't know where I'm going or where this road will take me. And the uncertainty is making me nuts.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Thick blood

Check it out. Does this not sound like me or what?


Can explain my history of stomach issues, eh???

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Late May update :)

Wow ok so a month has gone by. I know I haven't posted. But what a crazy month it has been. And unfortunately, nothing I have to report is good news. I don't know how else to say it. I'm trying to see positive in everything, but sometimes it just gets hard.

So, Andrew is constantly on the patrol for a teaching position. He has applied in many places and has had several interviews. Unfortunately, we haven't heard back from 1 (it was a prelim interview almost 2 months ago and principals were supposed to start calling from that list!) and the other two decided on other candidates. So he decided to look into his interview skills and went to a few coaches and has done gobs of research on line. So he's well versed in interviewing now! Please pray for us that he finds the right position for him. We are a bit frustrated as it seems like this is just harder than we thought it would be.

Then on top of that, Andrew was driving around in his truck the last few days and suddenly some error lights started popping up. As they didn't go away, he decided to have someone take a look at it. And lo and behold, at the ripe old age of 10 years with 170k miles on the truck, looks like the transmission is failing. Joy oh joy. We were kind of hoping to drive the wheels (literally) off of the thing. It's been a great truck, but now we are stuck with the possibility of finding something to replace it with and that's just a bit disheartening.

And last but not least, we are sad to report that we have recently suffered our second miscarraige. BUT on the positive side of this, I am finally going to get the medical attention I should have. So far, they have run a battery of tests and referred me to a fertility specialist. From the tests they have run so far, they find that I have a higher than normal number of cardiolipids. My understanding (although I have been unable to verify this by googling. Google has failed me on this one!!) is that my blood clots too much and is probably "thick" and this can lead to miscarraiges. I don't quite understand how, but I hope to get more information next week at my first specialist appointment.

Well I guess one thing that is good news, is we had a great visitor in May. Well two. My Aunt Karen from Michigan and her friend Katrine came and we hung out and had a great time playing Nintendo Wii. My Uncle David came and along with Andrew and my father, built a new railing for our poor dilapidated steps up to the front door. It looks just wonderful. And Andrew and I decided to buy a Wii, as we have figured we do not spend enough "fun" time just goofing off and relaxing and playing. So, we thought a Wii would be a good way. Get the sports/competitive side for Andrew and in a way that I even enjoy playing!

Well, am waiting to board another airplane to head home. Hopefully I'll have more news to report, but good news soon!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

More Interviews!

Well, in a rather more optimistic and positive post than the prior one (Sorry! I was having a bad day. We all have bad days every once in a while!) we have some more good news! Per my wonderful husband's request, I am very proud to say that we have since had requests for 2 more interviews since the one with Independence! Yay!! One was a phone interview with a small school outside of St. Louis. Not sure how they got our name??? But whatever, it was still a request for an interview! We aren't too hopeful for that one honestly, we really really don't want to move, especially not to St. Louis. Having both lived there for a period of our lives, we have no desire to go back! The 2nd is with the Grandview school district here in KC! For a 4th grade position. Yay! It will take place next Tuesday, so all prayers are gladly received. I'm so proud of him! If calls keep coming in like this, he will have secured a teaching position in no time!

Oh, in other not so positive news, I'm sure many of you have heard of the storms that came through the Kansas City area last week. Andrew and I had our moment of time in the basement as a tornado was thought to be heading directly for an area in the middle of my parents house and mine! It could have gone either way, and both my mother and I were wondering whose house who would end up at that night! Thank goodness, it lifted and the storm lost it's rotation a few minutes before it was in our area. Then a second round of storms came through overnight, these were even more powerful than the first round. During that round, there were two reports of tornado's on the ground in the KC area. One area not covered by the news (possibly because I don't think the tornado was quite on the ground by this time) that was damaged was our church! We sustained some roof damage, but thankfully no one was hurt and all the damage will be fixed in a week or two. God was watching out for us for that one!

So that's our news! Love to you all

Monday, April 28, 2008


Ever have one of those days that make you just wish you could crawl back into bed and not ever get up? Ever wish you could just snap your fingers and everything would just be better?

I'm going through one of those moments, well it's been longer than just a moment. I do know that your attitude can make all the difference in the world when you are in an unhappy situation. The problem is, I don't know how to change my attitude. It's like I am completely incapable of reversing my thought process regarding this situation. And all I want to do is scream and just give up. But unfortunately for me, I'm a fighter, and I can't just give up. Even when every fiber of my being says to just throw in the towel. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling so helpless. I hate feeling so confused.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Rambling thoughts while on a plane

I know the following post is going to break all the rules of blogging, but oh well. I just sort of let my mind and thoughts go as I was flying home yesterday from the Exponential Conference. I learned a lot that I am excited about putting into action. Well, here are my thoughts:

I am not really sure what I am writing for or about. I just know that I feel like writing. Unusual, huh? It's been said that I do it well. I pray that it is true, as I want to be able to use it to further God's kingdom.

I wrote in an earlier post about who I am. I realize now that it really was misnamed, as it really focused on whose I am. I See that know. I know beyond a doubt whose I am, I have yet to discover who I am.

I just finished attending the Exponential Conference and even though I was rather disappointed in the closing, I learned a lot. And I was excited several times about what is to come, and the role that I may ply in it. I was also surprised to find that the excitement came, not in the music possibilities it may present me, but in the written and communication challenges that may be to come. I find myself excited about the possibility of entering the world and searching for those in need of Christ. I am excited about being truly free to be who I am in Christ and to show the world who does not know him, that it is ok to be you! And be Christian! Do I have to still die to self? Yes! Yes, I do, but in dying to self I am dying to my wants! To my plan, my design for my life. But not to who I am, to my passions, to my strengths, to my personality, to my interests. See, that is the fundamental difference. I am not loosing myself at all, but I am loosing the unhealthy and very human desires of following the crowd!! Of following money, of following things, of following careers. See non of that matters, truly. Who cares if I am the CEO of a company with gobs of money and a fancy car and the biggest house in town! or if I live in a small shack, working for the smallest of incomes and can barely get by? God loves me the same. Christ died for me still! God raised Him from the dead so that I might live. Don't you see? All of that really doesn't matter! I don't care any more if I become the biggest thing out there. I just care that I live my life to the fullest by fulfilling God's purpose for my life.

Now I'm not entirely sure what His purpose is for me, but I am sure that I will find out as I move down this path. I will fail along the way. Many times, I'm sure. But do I care? No. God loves me despite my failures.

Thank you Lord, that I do not need to live up to societies standards to be accepted by you.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Who am I?

So who am I? This is a question that I have long struggled with. So here is what I know.

1. I am a child of God.
2. I am a wife
3. I am a child of human parents
4. I am a sister
5. I am a musician

The central idea in my life, the central belief I have, is that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, that he died and rose for my sins, and through the Grace of God I am assured of ever lasting life.

Maybe I don't tell you enough. Maybe I'll offend you for saying it. The fact is I don't know how to say it. I believe and pray that through the relationship you have with me, you will see it. And hopefully you will ask. If you have ever wondered, now you know. What keeps me going in this life is the knowledge that God loved me enough to do for me. That He would rather die than to ever live without me. All that I am, all that I do, is defined by this knowledge.

What is my point in posting this now? I don't know. Does it really matter? I guess I just felt like saying it.

Love you all.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Interview 1 down! And audition?!?!

So Andrew had his preliminary interview today. It really was just about 30 minutes long, and they asked him pretty standard questions, like what new educational trend would you implement in your classroom, and the like. According to Andrew it went, "Ok." And coming from him, that's a pretty glowing report, lol! It means good stuff! So now we are just waiting to hear back. I guess the next step is that they will put his answers into a database and as principals find or have open positions, they browse this database and look for matches. So hopefully we should be getting a call, although they did say that nothing would come really until the end of April. So thank you for your prayers for him today! We are looking forward to the next steps on this process and are very excited to see where this will go.

Now, my news? I'm terrified out of my mind! We recently completed a Bible study based off of the book by Erwin McManus, Chasing Daylight. And Chasing Daylight studies one section of Jonathan's life, particularly the time when he goes in to fight the Philestines with just himself and his armor bearer. And the whole concept is to seize your divine moment and step out in faith. If you hear God telling you, or just think this is where God wants you to go, go try it and see where it takes you. You may fail, you may be wrong, but at least you did SOMETHING to try to further God's will. So I am stepping out in faith. As many of you may know, I have a passion for singing. I've sang in the contemporary group at my church for the last 3 or so years now, and have sang chorally and in solos from the time I was in the 4th grade. So it's something I've been doing for years and just love it. I can't imagine my life now without somehow being involved in some sort of music ministry. Soooo, the other day I was sent a posting on Craigslist, looking for a female Christian vocalist and I applied. YIKES. This person is looking for a lead female vocalist to sing some of his songs he wrote personally for a few gigs that he has coming up throughout Kansas City, and even one in Iowa. I am one of 4 people he is meeting with. And let me tell you, I am shaking in my boots. I have no real nervousness anymore singing in front of my small congregation, I'm used to them, I know them. I also get a strong sense of comfort from working with the group that I always sing with. We know each other pretty well and support each other and we all think the other is talented, etc. So now I'm stepping out into territory I have not charted since high school. All I can say is AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Ok hopefully that will take my nervousness out, lol! So please pray for me tomorrow that I have confidence and sing with the knowledge that I can do this, and that God will be with me and give me His strength. I think I'm more afraid that I'll actually get chosen and will have to sing in front of a wider audience than I'm used to, lol!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Teaching update and other stuff

So! I finally have something to report. Are you surprised? Since we have like no life at all, I'm surprised I ever find anything to post on this! :-D However, it is exciting times in our household! Andrew is finishing his student teaching this week and has begun looking for that hard earned and sought after teaching position. And so far, he's put in one application. And so far he's received one interview request! We are so excited! He's been working on several other applications to other school districts, but it's just so exciting that the first one he put in he gets a call on! So on Monday, we need all of your prayers as he goes in for the preliminary interview. I'm sure they must have several different interviews before you are finally offered a contract, however, we are well on the way to that! Kudos to Andrew! Three cheers and all that lot! :)

So if you've been reading this from the beginning, you are well aware that we sadly suffered a miscarriage last July. And the sad thing is had I carried to term, we would have had a less than a month old baby at this point in our lives. I must say this, that I never thought it would be this hard. I mean honestly, I'm a strong person and things that should affect me, well I get over it quickly. But for some reason, I'm just not able to deal with this. So I also ask for your prayers that I come to terms with this.

Other than this, all I can say is bring on Friday and the weekend. If I'm ready for anything, it's that!

Love to you all!

Thursday, March 27, 2008


ARG. That's all I can say. ARG. I'm tired of having no faith in myself. I'm tired of second guessing everything I do. I'm tired of being afraid of being myself. I'm just tired. How is it that I can see the best in everyone else, and yet when I see myself, I am my own worst critic. No one could ever live up to the standards I set for myself. So of course I'm going to fail when I set myself a line so high in the sky that it's impossible to reach. I just don't understand how I can see promise in everyone except for myself.

Something has GOT to change. I just don't know how to change it.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Airport delays

Oh you gotta love it. Have I had one crazy trip this time. What was supposed to be a short overnight trip, I think I have had the most travel related issues EVER. To start, I think I must have had one major brain fart on the outbound trip. It takes an hour to get to the airport from my house. And we all know when we are flying, you need to get to the airport an hour before your scheduled flight time to allow for enough time to get through security, check in, etc. Well, my flight was at 715 am. I left the house at 615 am. That's right. I gave myself just enough time to DRIVE to the airport. And when did I realize this? Oh about 630 when I'm sitting about 30 minutes from the airport. Boy did I book it. 90 on the highway in rush hour traffic is NEVER a good thing. But I made it to the airport by 7 am, grabbed my suitcase and ran. Praying all the way that I remembered to LOCK the car. Ran through security, stripping out of everything as I'm running from the car and got to the gate just as they were calling for boarding of my zone (3). PHEW.

And then, I get to Atlanta for my layover. Was originally supposed to be only a 7 minute delay. Well that turned into a 2 HOUR delay. So I'm glad I decided to grab a bite to eat when I thought it was only going to be a 7 minute delay.

Then, today, I manage to get to the airport in PLENTY of time. 75 minutes early. I'm sitting in the terminal minding my own business when I get an e-mail from Delta that my flight has been delayed. AGAIN. But this time, my 3pm flight won't be taking off until 6:22 pm. And I'm just going WHAT!?!?! I talk to the gate guy who says he thinks they are wrong, cuz the plane picking us up has left the Atlanta airport and should arrive in 30 minutes, so it should only be about 20 minutes late. Well I'm not liking the sound of this, so I call my travel agent who gets on the phone. Now I'm booked on three different return flights. All I have to do is take the route that gets me home the earliest, LOL. Please please PLEASE no delays once I finally get to Atlanta, my lap top battery is almost dead as it is, lol!

And then tomorrow, it's back to the grind. Yay. Normal work schedule before I head off to Orlando. Atleast it will be warm and picturesque. Hopefully I can get some new pictures.

Ok this blog is entirely long enough. I have some "deep" and "profound" thoughts to share from a book that I'm reading, but I'll spare you this time. I'll post them in my next blog. :-D

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Flu: 1, Lisa: 0

Ok. Talk about cabin fever. How about room fever. I have not left my bedroom for more than a total of 30 minutes since TUESDAY. And I'm including the master bathroom in that. I have eaten nothing but dry cereal and soup and I am just dying for something interesting to eat. I don't know what, but something more than chicken noodle soup. Is that a sign of getting better? If I could get my darn fever to break, then I'd know that things were going much better, but I can't. 101 and 102 for the last two days, and thought I was good today when it was only 99 all morning, but then spiked at 100 this afternoon. That and my darn throat which feels like a tiny thousand knives have been raking up and down the back of it and swallowing, talking, anything is absolute torture!

Ok I'll stop with my moaning. It's really been an uneventful month for us. Andrew has been working away at student teaching and is finding it rather enjoyable. I get to go to both Huntsville and Orlando in the next three weeks, providing I can kick this darned flu to the curb. At this rate it feels like it will never get over! Wow I'm whining again.

So that's all around the King household. I think I'll go nap again.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Dave Ramsey, you should be proud of me

Ok Dave. Now this may be taking your beans and rice policy a little bit too far, but my lunch today is...a can of tuna and mayo. And why is it only a can of tuna and mayo? Because silly me, forgot to grab the loaf of bread when I ran out the door for work today. I remembered the tuna and the mayo to make a tuna sandwich, but forgot the bread. So...instead of running to the store to buy bread, and who knows what else because I'm shopping for food while HUNGRY, I simply mixed up my tuna and my mayo and I'm eating that alone!

Go me, it's my birthday and I will be debt free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! INCLUDING my house.


Sunday, February 10, 2008

Back to work

Well, It is back to another week for Student teaching(wk 6) a class of Kindergarten's, after being off 3 days last week sick. I feel much better, I caught some sort of bug going around kids at school. I almost have my health back, I still have a persistent cough though. I was exhausted from the illness most of last week, made it rather difficult to get my student teaching stuff done, my school work done, and my vending done, so I reluctantly had to work Saturday to get caught up on my vending. I hire someone to run the vending route throughout the week, but it still requires my help occasionally now.
Oh almost forgot, Lisa took off for work and then left me home alone sick for the week while she was gone to Boston.

Monday, February 4, 2008

The past does not define me

So this is the perfect title. I had a whole speil worked out last night as I was lying in bed trying, unsuccessfully, to fall asleep. And it was beautifully written. In my head! And now, 10 or so hours later, all I remember is the darned title. Other than that, I just remember a general thought process, which was just along the lines of, I'm tired of being depressed and bitter and reliving all the crap that I've seen, done (and am sorry for or regret), or had happen to me. It's not done me any good to constantly remember it. And then I ended by determining that I would no longer live in the past, but in the here and now. And look forward to what tomorrow has to offer. Not because tomorrow is going to be better than today, but because tomorrow has endless MORE possibilities than I am already experiencing today!

So that being said, today is the first day of a new life. However, as I have been remiss in my posting duties, I do need to catch you up. So forgive me for my delve into the past here!

So let's see. After returning from my impromptu trip to Michigan, we've been very busy. Andrew has started his 5th (FIVE?!?!) week of student teaching. This week he is in charge of teaching around 25 kindergartner's math. He's been having a very good experience, over all. At least I think so, he may disagree. He has seen students with varying levels of intelligence and handicaps and has had to work with them in order to get them to pay attention, stay on task and help them learn the skills needed to get them to the next grade. I am very proud of him. Even though it is very tiring, between student teaching, school classes still for his masters, and trying to do the odd job with the vending, I've seen him "bloom." I truly feel this is God's calling for him.

Me, now let's see. I have still been busily ensconced with work, band, church, bells, and just trying to keep house. January saw me in Miami for a trade show. Now, I had absolutely gorgeous views and even stuck my feet in the ocean, for the first time in, oh, 14 years? Yeah, so the beach doesn't agree with me.

OH and while I was wasting away in Miami, poor Andrew was stuck at home, working on remodeling our Master bath. It's not done, and will be a bit more before it is, but it is already much much improved over what it had been!

Now after I returned from Miami, I was in charge of organizing a meal for church. Now this is like nothing compared to the events I've had to organize for work, but I still had my panic moments. Thankfully, all went off without a hitch. Now I am waiting to travel to Boston tomorrow for another business trip. Then, I'm home! Well, until March anyway!

So anyway. Hopefully the next post won't be as long as I won't have to update you on 2 months worth of activities. Whoops. What happened to those New Year resolutions? :-D

Sunday, January 6, 2008


Death of the body comes to all of us at some time in our lives. After all, the price of sin is death. Unfortunately, death has come to a loved one all too quickly.

Some of you may have met her at my wedding. She was a bridesmaid, walked down 3rd. She was Amanda. Amanda was 24. Amanda had potential. She had so much to live for, a family who loved her deeply, including an extended family who felt she was more of a sister than a cousin. A boyfriend who also loved her. She would have married and had many children. Now I know that you always see these things mentioned with the death of one so young, but it is so true. Amanda committed suicide after a 4 year struggle with addiction to prescription medication.

I remember the good times with her. I remember the trip to Manistee, where I swear my Uncle must have hated us! :) If the truth be told though, I think he enjoyed the torture we put him through. “Are we there yet? What time is it? I have to go to the bathroom!” There were 6 phrases that we repeated ad nauseum for probably an hour. One for each kid. Yes, my uncle took 6 children, all under the age of 10, I believe, on a road trip by himself. Boy was he brave.

I remember the Christmas trips, where we stuck together almost like glue. We were the only two girls after all, out of what was at the time, 7 grandchildren. We were seriously outnumbered! Lauren joined us later and it was a few years before she was able to enter into the games with the girls.

I remember the playing Barbies! Neither one of us could give up our childhood toys until we were well into the teenage years!

Then things changed. I first noticed it when I was 21, she would have been almost 18, or maybe she was 18. It may have been the addiction, it may have simply been a personality conflict, I don't know. I just remember the sudden change in personality towards me. Lauren was 12 by then, and it was suddenly Amanda and Lauren, with me as a third wheel. Which, if I think about it, was only natural. I was about to enter into the adult world, I was no longer a child, I was about to enter an entirely different part of my life.

It saddens me that we drifted apart, for whatever reason. We may have had our differences, but she was family, and no matter what, I would have fought for her. The Amanda I knew in the early years is not the same Amanda who showed during our last few encounters.

I find anger to be a comfort. The anger masks the pain. The anger keeps my shoulders back and my chin up. The anger gives me the blind determination to never put myself in a situation where I will ever cause my family this much pain. If you are considering suicide as a way out, wake up. Be real. Do you really believe that the people in your life think they would be better off without you? Do you know what suicide says to those who are left behind? That you didn't care enough about them to fight for your life, to stick around, to love and to be loved by them. Life is not all about you. And death is not all about you.

Be wary of drugs, all of them. They all have their evil. Watch your children, watch your friends. I can only pray as Andrew and I look at starting our family that God will watch over our children and keep them from the evils of this world. I pray that our children will be born with a strong sense of self, a strong will (yes mom, I want them to be stubborn and willful, after all it served me well, even if I will have to fight them tooth and nail).

I'll leave you with these parting words, taken from the cover of her funeral bulletin, which I can only find myself wishing that Amanda had taken them to heart:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives all fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future. And life is worth the living, just because He lives.