Monday, February 27, 2012


CHALLENGE! I challenge you to donate the monetary amount equal to the weight of your first born child, or your birth weight if you don't have children to the March of Dimes! Elisa and I will be walking in the March for Babies this year in May!

To donate you can either click the link below or the badge on the right side of the blog. Anything helps!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

It sneaks up on you

Sometimes. When you least expect it.

You think you are over something, and then the smallest thing will remind you that really, you aren't.

If you've been watching the news you may be aware of Facebook changing to this "timeline" profile or have even been using it yourself. I'm what's known as a "late adopter" when it comes to these kinds of things and wait until Facebook forces me into the change so I am just now looking at the new profile.

And at first I thought, cool. I can go back and look at October through December of 2009 and see what I posted! After all, I went and checked my moms with no problem.

But when I moved that cursor to October 2009, I found I just couldn't click it. I've gone back several times to try and every time, I get there, move the cursor and then chicken out.

Guess I'm not ready to face it. In the same way I have yet to go back and read the blog from those months. It's just too painful. I can talk about it in hindsight, but I can't read the raw words or emotions that I know are present in seeing the actual words as they happen.

It's like all those letters I wrote to my grandmother as a kid. She saved every one of them, and when she died in 2005, I was given them back. It's 2012 and I have yet to even open up the envelop with them in it.

I just can't do it. It's like it makes it "real" and I'd prefer to live in this pseudo reality where I can bury my head and admit that I've been "there" but not having to really remember it.

I guess something like prematurity is just not something you "get over." You "move beyond" and deal with the consequences but the trauma never truly leaves you. Maybe in 5 years? I guess we will see.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Some may think that having had a child already, I would be an old pro at this newborn stuff. Even considering Elisa was "newborn" for longer than the average newborn, staying in that newborn "stage" well into 6 months.

But you'd be wrong. Aside from her prematurity, which basically handed me this infant that was pre-programmed to eat every three hours, sleep in between, etc. I tried reading a few parenting books when she first came home, but very quickly tossed them aside when I realized they were irrelevant to my "unusual" baby. Also, every parent will tell you that each child is different and that what worked for one...may not work for another.

So imagine my surprise when Aidan comes along, term and handed to me 4 days later and told "good luck figuring him out!" I scratched my head for weeks, looking to read cues but only having the clock as experience as to tell me when he might need something. Add to that his colic that caused him to cry all.the.time.

In an effort to maybe shed some light, I decided to look up some parenting books again and see if they had relevant information for Aidan, and I came across the 90 Minute Baby Sleep Program.

Imagine my surprise when I realized that not every time he cries means he's hungry.

And now you are going did she really just say that? I can just see you smacking your forehead and thinking DUH!

Let me remind you that I could set a clock by Elisa. Hungry at predictable times, sleeping at predictable times. Sleeping through the night by the time she was 4 months actual, 1.5 adjusted. Hardly EVER cried unless she was hungry or dirty and even that was rare since she was so scheduled we usually beat any hunger or dirty cues she might send out.

Add to that with the constant crying and no wonder I was confused. So I would continually try to feed him, and become even more frustrated when he would fuss and get angry and I just couldn't understand why nothing worked.

Then the realization...he's TIRED. I already realized he wasn't sleeping much during the day because he was either eating or crying but I was under the mistaken impression that he would somehow conk himself out when he got tired enough, other wise he must be hungry, bored or wet. Yeah. He just needed some HELP to learn that what he was feeling was actually tiredness and NOT hunger.

So yay for research! A pattern to our day is finally developing and Aidan is much happier now that he's actually sleeping better during the day. I'm actually getting a more consistent 2-3 hour break between feeds instead of the 1-2 I was getting. Sometimes when he wakes up, he's actually not ready to get up and with just some gentle rocking he's back to sleep for another hour or so. One night, we even got two extra hours out of him by rocking him back to sleep instead of assuming he woke just because he was hungry.

I finally have a much happier baby...and in turn a much happier mommy and daddy. It is rather sad when your two year old goes around saying "brother's crying!" whenever Aidan makes any noise. Hopefully we can get some more "talking" out of him instead of crying as we continue to try this theory.

Monday, February 13, 2012


Sometimes I stand in awe of this amazing little girl.

I watched her yesterday, laughing and dancing and clapping to the music at church and was filled with pride that this was my little 2 lb 13 oz preemie.

And how at this time two years ago we were finally home and getting to know each other. She was sleeping through the night but she was yet to reach 10 lbs.

My little miracle. She brings tears to my eyes and a smile to my heart every day.

And she is the reason I walk every year in the March for Babies. And last year and this year became even more involved in helping out with the March itself. Yes, the event coordinator in me couldn't resist.

And it's that time again! March for Babies will be in May again, and hopefully this year it will feel like May. If the weather continues on it's current trend, it will probably feel like July lol! I'm asking for help this year in one of three ways.

1. There is the obvious donation part. :) If you'd like to do that, you can do so by clicking on the badge on the right side or this link:

2. If you can't donate, why don't you walk with me? I'd love to build a bigger team in a way other than giving birth to more kids. :) We are up to a team of 4 this year but I'd love to have more walking!

3. Or, spread the word! Chances are you know more preemies than just my Elisa. In fact, just in my small church and the 6 children that attend regularly, 2 of them are preemies. Much more than the 1 in 8 statistic! Spread the word about the March of Dimes and what they do and their mission to help all babies be born healthy.

In fact, the March of Dimes was really integral in helping BOTH of my children. How did they help Aidan? By helping bring awareness to tools like the p17 shot that can help keep women with prior pre-term labor from going into labor again. By educating the public and the medical profession on pre-term labor.

Both of my little miracles.

Thursday, February 9, 2012


Holy weight gain batman!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

2 months and decisions

2 months old today!

And miracle of miracles...I managed to get pictures taken today AND post them. Wow. Maybe we ARE seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Aidan wasn't as happy with his crib today, but we did get him in twice. Actually, he did go down around 7:30 into his crib and is still in there! I'm so happy! And can't wait until we can make this a habit so Andrew and I can have our "adult" time back.

Almost getting smiles out of him now that he's no longer as fussy. He's kinda fun to be around sometimes too. :) And, we enjoyed some time in the swing today. Actually fell asleep!

Tomorrow is his 2 month check up and I am NOT looking forward to it. I know his weight will be awesome and fully expect him to have reached 11 lbs. He was 10lb 13oz on Monday, so definitely not out of the picture to be 11 by tomorrow. Plus you should SEE the rolls on this kid during his bath. It's crazy!!

But tomorrow we get our first vaccines. And this kid has FINALLY been showing us some good moods. I am not looking forward to a cranky kid again. UGH.

Getting sleepy!!

Also, I've come to sort of a "decision" with the breast feeding. I am still going to breast feed, but I am no longer going to worry about making sure I am EXCLUSIVELY breast feeding him. If I have to give him a bottle for my sanity, so be it. I'll try to pump for each bottle but I have got to take care of myself. If I run out of pumped milk, well, he will get a bottle of formula, and I will not feel guilty about it. So much of the guilt from Elisa's pregnancy and then not being able to breast feed her like I wanted is apparently lingering. I've had a few "minor" goals, and so far I've met them all. 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks and 8 weeks. Now 3 months. My ultimate goal is 6 months when I can release myself from any guilt at quitting.

Well mister is making his presence known so I had better go get him. Someday soon he'll sleep through the night, right?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Could it be?

Am I dreaming?

Twice yesterday, Aidan put himself to sleep. Not only did he put himself to sleep, but he did it in his crib.

So far, he's done it once today! And he's been sleeping for almost 2 hours?! You mean three hours between feeds??

What's different? Age? Maybe no longer in a growth spurt? I did several new things yesterday in an attempt to get him down.

1. On the suggestion of a friend, removed a layer of clothing. I left him in just a short sleeved onesie and cotton pants. I also didn't swaddle him.
2. Changed the type of pacifier.
3. Turned his fan on low over his crib so he can see it.
4. Put his black and white toy on his fan strings. It's a cutout of a face with just eyes and nose and is just black and white. He loves to stare at it when I'm burping him on the couch, where it had been stationed. Decided to try it in there.
5. Turned his radio on to a radio station.
6. Left a shirt with my scent on it in there.

Which one was the winning ticket? I have NO idea. Everything but the radio was brand new yesterday. (Tried the shirt trick before and it didn't work at all, he seemed to know it was a trick.)

So whatever it was...I'm just glad it seems to be working. And hope this trend continues...

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Has it really been 8 weeks?

In all honesty, it seems like its been MUCH longer. However, we may be starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just maybe.

Recent happenings? Aidan is up to 10 lb 10 oz. He gained EIGHT ounces in FOUR days. Holy weight gain batman! Part of that may have been helped by a bottle of formula he ended up having. Why? Because I had gotten to the end of my rope with his fussiness and thought just maybe it was something I was eating. So I thought to try that to see if he responded any better and if he did I could begin the elimination to figure out what. I also was so frustrated with the way be ALWAYS eats I was halfway to quitting.

What did I learn? While giving him that bottle, I felt the best that I had in weeks. Followed by instant guilt, so much so that I about started to cry. I've just wanted to do what was best for him. I didn't want to give up so easily, like I did with Elisa.

So I went for help to a consultant, who told me that mechanically everything was perfect. He latched right, transferred wonderfully and handled the fast letdown beautifully. She said we were doing great. And those dreaded words...this too shall pass. How many times have I heard that these last 8 weeks lol! I want this "too" to have passed by now. She also told me to stop pumping as it was just stressing me out too much and to get out of the house without the kids. And I did.

End result, I received the encouragement I needed to keep going. Andrew watched both kids during the fussy hours, and got Elisa to bed on time and Aidan In the process Of being fed. And also convinced them that apparently my ppd isn't managed well enough and my doctor called to try to rework my meds lol. Dang.

Anyway, since I caved and asked for help, things have just felt all that much better. Aidan even seems less fussy. In fact, last night, we had a great family play time!

And today, Aidan has spent some time in his crib again. For the first time in several weeks. Thanks to the radio, he seems to last a bit longer. 30-45 minutes for now but hopefully that time will just get a bit longer.

So mommy and daddy got some adult time! Both kids in their respective rooms by 8. It only lasted for 30 min before Aidan asked for attention but it's more than we've had in 8 weeks lol.

So I'll sign off for tonight. Hopefully we will have a good night tonight...we all need some good rest in this house.

Good night!