Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Originally written 11/15/09
Is not my favorite color, nor does it look good on Elisa. Elisa, for some reason, felt that she would test the strength of both my love for her and my heart yesterday. The day started off well with a virtual meeting with Grandpa and Grandma King. Elisa dosed through the call while she was getting her feed. They had just increased her feed from 27 ml every three hours to 28 ml. I put her up around 12:30, 30 minutes after she finished feeding and went for lunch. We came back around 1:15 to find another pump as I wanted to kangaroo with her at her 2:00 feeding. I can't remember if I had found a pump and was sitting down getting it ready, or what, but I do remember the monitor going off showing she was having another brady. As was my custom, I watched the monitor to see if she would recover herself. When the brady continued and she didn't recover, I stood up to see what was going on, and noticed that she had spit up a LOT.
At this point, I still wasn't worried. She'd spit up before. So I opened up the isolette and took the little bulb thing to try to clear her mouth out. She still wouldn't recover. At this point, the nurse came in. It must have only been 2-3 seconds, but felt like forever.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
But the truth is there is a time where it is more important to my children that I am healthy than that I am providing breast milk for Aidan.
And we've come to that cross roads.
Ever since Aidan was born, things just haven't been "right." It's interesting to me that I would have more trouble adapting after Aidan than after Elisa, when her pregnancy and birth was the more traumatic one. The doctors tell me every pregnancy is different so it's no surprise but it just is to me. I would have thought I would have had way more problems after her than I did. But it seems like I was able to just get up and move forward after she was born. Maybe it's because I had no choice. She was sick, I couldn't be sick too. I had to be strong for her. And so I was.
But when Aidan came home, I found myself at first melting into tears at the drop of a hat and crying for hours. I chalked it up to "baby blues" and the frustration I felt with the Bells Palsy. I was already being medicated for post partum depression so I figured just let things calm down a bit, this will get better.
And it did. I was no longer crying anyway. But this entire time I have felt completely unable to COPE with the challenges of parenting for two kids. One of which had colic and would spend HOURS crying and has never EVER slept well. I kept telling myself when we are past this colic stage, I'll feel better. Or when he sleeps better, I'll feel better. Or when he's a little older I'll feel better.
None of those "whens" panned out. I've been working with my doctor on managing my medication, but yesterday I sat at my desk and wondered if I would ever feel happy again.
And that was a wake up call. After talking with friends and Andrew, I realized that I needed something more than the medication I could take while pumping.
I want to enjoy my son.
As arrogant as this sounds, he deserves me, healthy and whole, more than he needs breast milk.
So I am starting the weaning process. I have probably 400 oz stored in the freezer that will get us through probably another month, plus the little bit I will be pumping as I wean my body from producing.
But I know this is the right time this time. I've come so close to quitting before and just couldn't pull the plug. I am at peace this time. And that tells me I'm making the right decision.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"
How, you may ask?
Well, watch this video.
At the surface, it's just a video of Aidan playing and reaching and grasping the toys on his activity mat at the mere age of 4 months.
Why is that so, for lack of a better word, amazing? Or even surprising? Or even noteworthy?
Because this child never did.
I've asked around even for sanity checks...and others who watched her as a much smaller baby have said the same thing.
She never did.
And looking at Aidan now and back at Elisa then I can clearly see just how much my head was in the sand.
I mean, I knew she was delayed. I was already getting her help because I knew she would need it. For crying out loud she had 11 weeks of development that she had to do outside of the womb. What child wouldn't be behind in motor skills or other skills? She had to figure out how to breathe and eat far before she should have.
Seeing a child develop normally is showing me just how NOT normally Elisa developed.
But because I didn't know any better. Because I stopped reading the "what to expect" books shortly after she came home. Because I relied on the therapists who were seeing her weekly to tell me if there was a problem, I was able to accept her for who she was and where she was, instead of falling into the trap so many parents fall into of comparing their children. And I didn't stress near as much as I would have had I been as aware of where she should of been, and where she wasn't.
Unfortunately, her prematurity will follow her for the rest of her life. She may be caught up now, but that doesn't mean problems won't develop later on in life. She will always be watched for later issues or delays.
But to me, she's perfect just the way she is.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
This has resulted in some pretty cute two year old clips though. For instance, she keeps insisting she wants to "help mommy work." So when we were just hanging out downstairs on Saturday, she climbed up into my desk, started doodling on my notebook and picking up my phone.
On the one hand it's absolutely adorable. On the other, it kind of breaks my heart. This is the transition time for all of us, but it will get easier!
Here is just a small visual recap of our weekend.
Aidan is trying more and more to sit up unassisted. Yes. Crazy.
Elisa spent quite a bit of time on the phone with Grandpa King.
Aidan had about 1 hours worth of time in his cute Easter outfit. Safe to say our attempts to get his pooper moving more regularly and without as much trauma are working.
And Elisa got to enjoy super sized Lightning McQueen thanks to a hand me down gift from my parents.
Yes, Elisa was having quite a bit of fun with the toys down here. Can you tell?
Monday, April 2, 2012
That can inspire you.
I sat there tonight and watched Aidan, for the first time, deliberately reach out for and grab something.
And I thought, wow! I don't remember noticing these milestones with Elisa. Maybe it was because I trained myself not to look for them so I wouldn't worry that she was behind, and instead accept her for who she is where she is.
But the look of concentration on his face as he continued to reach out for and grasp his toy, turn it to look at it better and then release it.
Wow. Just wow.
Where has the time gone?
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The passage of it...is in reality finite.
It seems like just yesterday we were here:
Almost small enough to fit into the palm of our hand.
Or even here:
Figuring out food is more than milk and the joys that it can bring and the messes it makes.
I could go on and on posting pictures of her. But I can't help but be in awe of her.
Of how beautiful she is.
How much she loves her brother.
Of how her smile lights up the room.
And then there is Aidan.
Who entered this world and has set it on fire.
It's hard to believe it's been almost four months already.
And how much he's changed already.
Here I sit and I wish I could bottle up time. Or just have a constantly running video camera, capturing those little things.
Her childish conversations. His happy jabbering. Her random "I love you mommy." Bringing brother his blanket because you just can't go to bed without your special blankets.
I've had four months of constant moments with them. I will miss those moments. But very thankful to have had them.
I love you. Both of you. Very much.