I'm really at a loss as to how to put this into words.
But the truth is there is a time where it is more important to my children that I am healthy than that I am providing breast milk for Aidan.
And we've come to that cross roads.
Ever since Aidan was born, things just haven't been "right." It's interesting to me that I would have more trouble adapting after Aidan than after Elisa, when her pregnancy and birth was the more traumatic one. The doctors tell me every pregnancy is different so it's no surprise but it just is to me. I would have thought I would have had way more problems after her than I did. But it seems like I was able to just get up and move forward after she was born. Maybe it's because I had no choice. She was sick, I couldn't be sick too. I had to be strong for her. And so I was.
But when Aidan came home, I found myself at first melting into tears at the drop of a hat and crying for hours. I chalked it up to "baby blues" and the frustration I felt with the Bells Palsy. I was already being medicated for post partum depression so I figured just let things calm down a bit, this will get better.
And it did. I was no longer crying anyway. But this entire time I have felt completely unable to COPE with the challenges of parenting for two kids. One of which had colic and would spend HOURS crying and has never EVER slept well. I kept telling myself when we are past this colic stage, I'll feel better. Or when he sleeps better, I'll feel better. Or when he's a little older I'll feel better.
None of those "whens" panned out. I've been working with my doctor on managing my medication, but yesterday I sat at my desk and wondered if I would ever feel happy again.
And that was a wake up call. After talking with friends and Andrew, I realized that I needed something more than the medication I could take while pumping.
I want to enjoy my son.
As arrogant as this sounds, he deserves me, healthy and whole, more than he needs breast milk.
So I am starting the weaning process. I have probably 400 oz stored in the freezer that will get us through probably another month, plus the little bit I will be pumping as I wean my body from producing.
But I know this is the right time this time. I've come so close to quitting before and just couldn't pull the plug. I am at peace this time. And that tells me I'm making the right decision.