Oh...and for the record, this chunk now outweighs his sister at 22 months. 29 lbs 12oz compared to his sister's 29 lb 8oz. I was very proud of myself for NOT getting upset over being told my former 29 weeker is still considered underweight and we need to get her fattened up. I am no longer concerned about her weight. She's on her curve. She is just thin and tall. Anyone who wants to tell me otherwise can go away. :)
I find it so hard to believe we are approaching 4 years since you suddenly appeared in our life.
You've shown since day 1 that you believe you are in control.
You remind me every day that you think so. Just today we had a verbal battle over just where the pumpkin was to be placed. You finally felt like you "won" when you turned him around to face the other way. And you had the last word.
Yes. We fought over a pumpkin. And I'm sure this isn't the first time we will fight over something so trivial.
Our days ahead will be difficult too. Life is hard. It throws you curve balls, pulls the rug out from under you, hands you lemons, whatever phrase you want to use.
But it's beautiful.
And you are a fighter. You've proved it. Every single day of your life. I love how you were so intent on getting up that slide today. How you kept going at it different ways. How you wouldn't give up. You finally made it.
Never give up, baby girl. I'll never give up on you.
Saw this on LinkedIn today: "I thank God I didn't get what I thought I deserved, as bad as it hurt as bad as it was...sometimes there's good in goodbye" ~Carrie Underwood
And I was doing great with today. In fact, I didn't even really realize that today was approaching with all that I've been up to lately. I was aware it was coming, but I didn't really place any energy or thought into it.
Today was the day, 4 years ago at just 26 weeks and 3 days pregnant I got on an airplane to go to a hotel and landed in a hospital. To this day, I will always replace the word "hotel" with "hospital." It's rather amusing to see the blank looks on people's faces when I casually state that I'm "going back to the hospital" without immediately realizing my mistake.
I made the mistake of going back on my Facebook page and reading my timeline from everything that occurred that month. The good thing is I actually READ it. I've tried many times to go back and look at it only to just chicken out or tear up at just moving my cursor to the date. But I actually clicked that button and read the posts. And I did tear up at the outpouring of love I saw on it. I don't remember that. I don't remember the majority of those posts that people put on my page, sending their love and their prayers and their support. So my tears are partially tears of joy, but I can't lie and say that the heartache isn't there as well.
Overall, looking back over these last 4 years, from the day my life irrevocably changed and I am no longer the person I was then, there really is good in the goodbye.
Goodbye to the person I was. Goodbye to the life I thought I should live. Hello to the life I have, that I didn't even know I wanted.
I sit here today and I feel like I am in two places in my mind. Niggling at the back of my mind is the thought that the "countdown" begins today. October, for the past 4 years, has been full of nothing but traumatic milestones, reminders, triggers.
And yet, this year has been one of the best of my life so far. And those PTSD triggers have been significantly insignificant leading up to this month. Even what little ones I get, like a text from my best preemie mom talking about NICU soap and how the smell bothers her and triggers her, reminds me of the smell. And consequently makes me want to claw my hands off. Even just the memory of the conversation makes my skin crawl. But they don't last nearly as long. Really are just a blip on the radar.
But you know, as I went back through my blog posts trying to see if I had posted anything on October 1, 2009 just to see what was going on in my mind then, I found this one. And just had to giggle at the irony. Little did I know just what was to come my way just a little over a week after this was written.