Thursday, February 23, 2012

It sneaks up on you

Sometimes. When you least expect it.

You think you are over something, and then the smallest thing will remind you that really, you aren't.

If you've been watching the news you may be aware of Facebook changing to this "timeline" profile or have even been using it yourself. I'm what's known as a "late adopter" when it comes to these kinds of things and wait until Facebook forces me into the change so I am just now looking at the new profile.

And at first I thought, cool. I can go back and look at October through December of 2009 and see what I posted! After all, I went and checked my moms with no problem.

But when I moved that cursor to October 2009, I found I just couldn't click it. I've gone back several times to try and every time, I get there, move the cursor and then chicken out.

Guess I'm not ready to face it. In the same way I have yet to go back and read the blog from those months. It's just too painful. I can talk about it in hindsight, but I can't read the raw words or emotions that I know are present in seeing the actual words as they happen.

It's like all those letters I wrote to my grandmother as a kid. She saved every one of them, and when she died in 2005, I was given them back. It's 2012 and I have yet to even open up the envelop with them in it.

I just can't do it. It's like it makes it "real" and I'd prefer to live in this pseudo reality where I can bury my head and admit that I've been "there" but not having to really remember it.

I guess something like prematurity is just not something you "get over." You "move beyond" and deal with the consequences but the trauma never truly leaves you. Maybe in 5 years? I guess we will see.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love those photos. I like your wording for moving beyond. I think you are right... I don't think it is something that we can get over, but I would say that I have move beyond... but then every so often I have something that brings me back.