Frustration

Ok so I think I've had enough of being kicked when I am down. Ever feel like the world is just out to get you? Ever get to the point that enough is enough? Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and not get out. I am so exhausted and I'm tired of being exhausted!

So anyway. It's been a weekend. First, Andrew is driving around doing his vending last Thursday when the overdrive light comes on. He takes it to be looked at and is told the transmission is failing and it's only a matter of time, and by the way, it's $1800 to repair it. Now some of you may not know, but Andrew's truck is a 98 Ford Explorer that has seen better days. It's been wrecked at least 4 times, one of those was a roll over that salvaged it. It has 170,000 miles on it and we were only keeping it until the wheels fell off. We always planned on buying Andrew something a little better for when he began teaching. We did NOT want to fix it now. So what to do.

While we were still contemplating that, we had the carpet people at the house to fix the carpet in the basement as it had started bunching up in areas. While doing that, we discovered that our basement is now leaking in a different area than ever before! So we piled dirt around the foundation hoping that would fix the problem before it rained again that night. And the result? More water. What next?!

Well then Sunday, we are returning home from church in the truck, driving up the hill on Noland Road and what happens? You got it. The transmission fails completely. We can't go forward, backwards, nothing. We are stuck in the middle of the road on a big hill. We are finally able to go backwards (thanks to gravity) and get the truck off the road and get a tow home. So now we are forced to buy a vehicle NOW. We had hoped we had at least a month. So we search, we scramble, and we stumble upon a 96 Explorer with less miles for a price we are willing to pay. We test drive, we decide to buy.

I have to work from home on Monday to leave Andrew access to a vehicle to take care of the car purchasing. And then...our power goes out AGAIN. For the 10th time since Memorial Day. At 830 in the morning as I'm in the middle of composing an e-mail. Now I'm dead in the water for work if I don't have e-mail/internet access. There isn't much I can do. So, unshowered, I get a ride over to my parents to work from there.

Tuesday, my doctors appointment with our fertility specialist. While I was mostly excited about it, I wasn't sure what to expect. And I get there, and well, it doesn't start out well. The doctor begins by lecturing me on not having a D&C on both of my miscarriages. I explain my reasons (being that a D&C is an abortion..but my baby's were already dead) and he proceeds to tell me that I never had a baby, it was only a mass of cells. Well at this point I'm almost crying. I simply respond with "It was a baby to me." He shut up about it, I dropped it and we moved on to the rest. Turns out he feels my eggs are probably not good quality, hence the low progesterone I keep experiencing. And he wants to test me for endometriosis and look at my other bits to make sure nothing there is bad. Which is good, because he doesn't want me to get pregnant again, only to loose that baby as well. He seems to think that my stomach issues could actually be caused by endo and not ibs or collitis as was thought.

So here I am, wondering what God's plan is for me. Wishing sometimes I could see things from His point of view. Wondering why He feels so far away right now. Wondering why I feel so disconnected from Him. Where have I gone wrong? Have I gone wrong? Is this just a test? Is this like Job, where in fact God has so much faith in my faith in Him that He knows I can handle this? In reality, things are not that bad. They just feel bad. Because there seems to be no end, and no hope. Everything seems to be such a battle. Everything is a fight. I don't know where I'm going or where this road will take me. And the uncertainty is making me nuts.