Things you don't know about me

I got to thinking the other day (I know, I probably shouldn’t think) about who I used to be and who I am now. And that got me thinking about the reasons why. So – what don’t you know about me.

1. Shy – I’m really not shy and introverted. I used to be very extroverted, outgoing. I never had a problem walking up to a total stranger and beginning a conversation. My mother has told me stories of being a precocious 3 year old walking up to individuals who smoked and told them “you’re gonna die.” I was constantly involved in activities that brought me into contact with large groups of people. I was always talking with someone about something, whether it is with notes passed in class or conversations in the hallways. Nowadays – I tend to prefer to stay in my house and read. I don’t talk much; I sit back and listen to others. I’m involved in many activities, but I don’t participate much on a verbal level outside of discussing the task on hand. The reason? Complete and utter lack of self-esteem. Which leads me to reason number 2.
2. Extremely self confident – at least this is how I appear to the world at large. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been described as confident when in fact, this is the furthest thing from the truth. If there were a scale to measure my self-esteem, I wouldn’t even be ON the chart. In fact, you’d have to develop a negative self-esteem chart just to be able to chart me. Why? To be honest, I’m not sure. Things happened during my college years that just knocked me on my butt. And while I got back up when they happened, I think they took a piece out of me that I’ve never been able to get back. And as life progressed and I entered the adult world – more things happened that convinced me even further of my lack of self worth and it’s a vicious cycle that once you are in – I’m not sure how to get out of.
3. I speak up – I used to anyway. If I did not agree with something, I told you so in no uncertain terms. Either by words or deeds. In fact, I attended the Catholic youth group in high school because of the contention of the Protestant youth group that the Catholics were going to hell and so was I because I drank alcohol and hugged (HUGGED) boys. Now that raised some eyebrows – the Protestant head chaplain’s daughter attending the Catholic youth group. I believe my dad was questioned about that even. Now, not so much. If I am questioned directly – I’ll probably not be able to help myself and will speak up – as long as I’m not in a group setting. If I’m in a group, I find it very hard to share, or even say anything at all. I think this relates to the lack of self-esteem, as I usually feel that I have nothing of value to offer the conversation or the decision making, so I stay mum.
4. I am not my own worst enemy – uhh NOT. No one is harder on myself than, well myself. I critique everything I do with a fine tooth comb and constantly find myself wanting. No one could live up to the standards I set for myself. Talk about setting yourself up to fail – since I could never meet my own standards I often don’t even try. Then beat myself up for not meeting my standards. Because of this, I can’t stand to be nit picked. Nit picking drives me to distraction and is positively the BEST way to push a hot button of mine and cause a most interesting reaction. Thankfully, so far, the only time I have been nit picked recently has been electronically so no one ever sees the reaction.

I think that *may* be it, although I’m not entirely sure. This is all I can think of tonight anyway. Besides, 698 words is a long enough post, you probably don’t really want to read anymore.