Monday, July 25, 2011

Type A ACK

The planner in me is having a kineption (sp?) fit.

Why you ask?

Because I can't plan a DARNED THING with this pregnancy. I was just sitting here winding down for bed and mentally writing my blog to Elisa for the night before the new baby arrives. When I realized...do I really know what night that is? Let's be real here. With my history it could be December. Or it could be September. Or anytime in between.

I am thinking of throwing Elisa a 2 year old party on her ACTUAL 2 year birthday. But I'll be 31 weeks 1 day on that day. I keep holding off because what if I have a baby in the NICU at that point? Or on bed rest? Can I really fathom holding a party for her? I don't want to plan it and then have to cancel it.

Granted life is only able to be planned so much. Things always crop up. You work around them. You move on. But I feel like I'm paralyzed. I think of these things that I would like to do to make the time special, but I'm afraid to do them for in case everything goes wrong. And then I'm left again on the other side, watching a baby in an isolette, dreaming of what could have, should have been.

For the most part I feel like I'm just existing at the moment with this pregnancy. Just taking it day by day. The "big" ultrasound is coming up next Tuesday. I keep forgetting. It doesn't hold the thrill for me this time like it did before. Not that I'm not excited to see this little one. I am. Maybe I'm just afraid of getting "attached?"

17 weeks 4 days and counting.

2 comments:

Micah said...

You're already attached, Mama, that's what we do. We love our babies with all of our heart from the moment we first find out about them. I'm praying for you and Little Brother/Sister daily! I think you might enjoy reading this blog of a childhood friend of mine. She's been through some tough stuff pregnancy and baby related and is having a baby this week. http://himesjourney.blogspot.com/

onesupergrover said...

My heart just aches for you, Lisa. I'm glad that you are comfortable blogging about your feelings. As much as I tried to deny my feelings of worrying and anxiety when I carried Ryan after Kaylen was born prematurely, I also felt them deep in me. I also knew that God would also take care of me and Ryan, but as I approached the same milestones in my pregnancy with Ryan that I did with Kaylen, the worry just grew. I'd like to think that most days I rested more securly in God's promises, but I know there were days that I didn't. I wish I had the perfect words to help ease your worry, but more of the time, I just kept replaying Psalm 139: 13 For it was You who created my inward parts; [b]
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I will praise You,
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. [c] [d]
Your works are wonderful,
and I know [this] very well.
15 My bones were not hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all [my] days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began.