Sunday, August 28, 2011

Strong enough

As a preemie mom friend, also going through her second pregnancy (first after her preemie) said, I have good days. And I have bad days. Not entirely unusual really, seeing as how when you've gone through something like a premature birth. Some days I just KNOW I can do this. Some days, I can't see past the day. An ache, a pain, a contraction, will freeze me in my steps and suddenly I'm paralyzed with the fear that this is IT. The beginning of the end.

Some say once I get past 26 weeks I'll be "ok." Some say 29 weeks. To be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be "ok" with pregnancy. Right now, honestly, I can't see past 26 weeks. People ask how I'm doing Physically? I'm doing great. Emotionally? Fragile. Emotionally I'm not strong enough to do this.

There is often the phrase "God gives you only what He thinks you can handle." How many times have we heard that? How many times have I said that to myself? I laugh at that right now.

Often these days, I have sleepless nights. I'm either in too much pain, physically, to fall asleep. A lot of the pain stems from the anxiety I'm feeling (and a lot of that is sub-conscious) meaning that my back and shoulders tense up so extremely tight that I'm literally almost in tears. Or I wake up multiple times at night. Sometimes because I feel a contraction. Sometimes to pee. Sometimes to hear Elisa stirring.

But one thing I've noticed. During all of these times, there is a phrase from the Matthew West song that goes around my head. Over and over. Every time I wake up I'm singing this phrase.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. And I don’t have to be strong enough."

I don't have to be strong enough. Regardless of what this next month, or preferably 4, holds, I don't have to be strong enough. People say I handled Elisa's well. That I'm a "strong" person. I'm not, really. The urge to cave and bury myself deep in myself was more than I showed. And right now, it's taking a lot to keep going. To keep that positive mental attitude going.

"I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us"

Thankfully, God is strong enough to be strong enough for me, for my baby. For my husband and for Elisa. I don't have to carry this myself. Right now I'm too weighed down by anxiety to really feel the freedom behind this truth. I hope to be able to lay that down. I know He's strong enough. Every time I'm tested, He's shown me. I guess I'm just too afraid to be tested again.

So for now, I'll cling to that promise. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. And I don’t have to be strong enough."

1 comment:

Beth said...

Just remember there is somebody else out there, most nights awake too, talking to god and asking for guidance and support. Luckily we have all that support around us when we need it, even if sometimes it has to be our faith alone.