Sunday, August 7, 2011

The mind

Is a funny place. It remembers things and brings them up at the strangest moments. Sometimes you are left wondering where did that come from for a while until it dawns on you.

Andrew, Elisa and I took a much needed break to Jefferson City. Andrew is interviewing with the highway patrol and this was step two in the year long process and Elisa and I tagged along. We had a great time swimming, playing at the mall (and Elisa made out big in the sales tax holiday and is now outfitted for the winter!) and of course, eating.

We had a great time! But on the very last night, I experienced my first braxton hicks of this pregnancy. My mind is so in tune with my body that even though it was painless, it woke me up from a deep sleep. And I panicked. Seriously. It was just one but when I first felt it I didn't know that. My mind immediately started going to places I didn't like. All I could see was a repeat of Elisa's pregnancy, only this time there was no chance of survival. And not only that but I was again in a strange town. I laid there in bed with my hand on my belly holding my breath and praying that another wouldn't come. After an hour, I finally fell back into a restless sleep, but the fear and panic that accompanied it remained for the rest of the day.

It wasn't until later in the day after talking with my preemie mom twin that I realized where the over reaction had come from. I was out of town. Again. Everything that has ever gone wrong in any of my 3 pregnancies occurred when I was out of town. I lost my first baby on a trip. I lost my 2nd immediately upon returning from another. Elisa came while out of town. So there I was in a hotel and experiencing contractions, something that is terrifying to me to begin with since my only experience with them were not braxton hicks, but actual contractions that resulted in my daughters early arrival.

The truth is, I don't trust my body to do what is needed to keep this baby safe. I don't know if I even trust God to get this baby to term. I trust Him to get me through whatever is thrown my way, I just don't know if His way is also going to be MY way. And at this point, that is not exactly a comforting thought. He more than proved His power to me in Elisa's birth. He kept her, and me, safe. He brought us to the right hospital at the right time. He brought her home to me. He has also kept her from having any long lasting effects from her prematurity. He brought to me one of the most amazing support groups I've ever had the privilege to be a part of. He brought to me my "preemie twin" mom, who without, these last two years I don't know if I would have survived with my sanity intact. A day doesn't go by that we aren't in contact. I know that was Him. Why else would she, a complete stranger to me, be lead to find my story in our birth board as she was sitting on bed rest preparing to deliver her preemie? Why else would Elisa have been born exactly two weeks before hers, showing her what 2 weeks down the road may look like for her preemie. Released from the hospital within days of each other. Two amazing little girls, who by the circumstances of their birth, brought their mothers an amazing friendship. He did so much for me through Elisa's story and life so far.

I guess that is what I can trust in. I have done EVERYTHING I can to avoid another preemie. I'm drinking tons of water. Resting. I'm in tune with each twinge of my body, always evaluating this twinge or that to see if it's "normal" or an indicator of a problem. I'm being followed by two medical practitioners. Who with their combined knowledge are dedicated to keeping me pregnant as long as they can. Who, if one fails, the other can pick up where the one left off. I can trust in the fact that in the end I have no control over the outcome. I do have control over how I react to it. I do trust that whatever is thrown my way through out the next few months, God will get me through it. He always has. Sometimes it may seem like He's let me down, left me out in the arctic with no map and no direction. But once I get through it, I begin to see He didn't really. That He was always there. I just couldn't see it at the time.

This time won't be any different. I think the lyrics from the Kutless song "What Faith Can Do" best describes where I am right now.

What Faith Can Do Lyrics

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise


Appleriko said...

OH my dear friend, Lisa.
I don't know if my words makes you feel even a little better though, I do have a great feeling about this pregnancy a lot. and My instincts are usually right. :))

I can hardly imagine how you feel and fear about the possibility of having a preemie baby.. And I totally relate to "trauma". When the bad things happened in the same places/patterns for a few times, we are programmed to think "this will happen again""!! Which we cannot change that.
Again, I really can't say anything good to comfort you because I cannot imagine how scared/fearful you are.. But I know that GOD is in control and you have GOD who brought beautiful Elisa in this world. Elisa is a symbol of God's work. :)) So you will be okay, my friend. :)) I always keep you guys in prayers. Love

Beth said...

I always have panic attacks when we pack for trips, and I always leave our house like I won't be coming back for 3 months (again). Natural but painful all the same. I tell myself that if god wants me to learn something, he wouldn't make it easy. Keep baking that baby friend. Prayers and hugs.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you all. And the song that come to mind is off of Matthew West's album - Strong enough. Because of HIM you are strong enough to handle whatever comes your way with this new baby.

Miss you,