Friday, May 18, 2012

Long Way Home


"I got some rocks in my shoes 
Fears I wish I could lose 
They make the mountains so hard to climb 
And my heart gets so heavy with the weight of the world sometimes 

 There's a bag of regrets 
My should've beens and not yets 
I keep on dragging around 
And I can hardly wait for the day I get to lay it all down

I know that day is coming
I know it's gonna be here soon
And I won't turn back even if the whole world says I'm going the wrong way
Cause it's just a long way home...

I heard this song again on my drive yesterday.  It struck a chord.  Especially talking about carrying the weight of the world and a bag of regrets and he can hardly wait for the day he can lay it all down.

This is the story of my life it seems.  Always putting one foot in front of the other.  Dealing with the walls that get thrown in my way.  Picking myself back up from the floor after I've been knocked down again.

After awhile you go really?!  Isn't enough, enough?  Haven't I seen/done/been through enough?  When do I get a break?  When do I get the silver lining?  The light at the end of the tunnel?  After awhile, you start to doubt they even exist.

When can I stop being so strong?  When will someone be strong for me?  When will someone carry me when I can no longer go on.

I KNOW my journey could have been much different.  I KNOW things could have turned out way different than they did.  I KNOW I got the easy outcome.

Doesn't make the journey any less hard.

Maybe I haven't gotten to the point that I can no longer carry on, because I don't feel like He's ever carried me yet in this journey.  I feel like He's given me the strength to carry on.  But not the strength to let go.  And I think truly let go is what needs to happen.

And to be honest, I don't even know what "let go" means.  Maybe it's letting go of the feelings of guilt.  Failure.  That I'm somehow stupid.  That I somehow caused it.  That I somehow deserved it.

Things are making a bit more sense now.  Why this time it's so much worse.  It's because I didn't deal with it after Elisa.  I just picked up and moved on.  And now?  Now they are reappearing in struggles with Aidan.

He won't eat.  All I can think of is developing an oral aversion.  He's screaming in pain and I can't fix it.  I'm his mom, I should be able to fix it.  And I can't.  And because I can't, I'm failing him.  Just like I failed Elisa.

But first, I need the doctor to believe me that there is a problem.  Just like I needed the OB with Elisa to believe there was a problem.

That OB didn't, so I ended up in Phoenix.  In a strange hospital.  With strange doctors.  A long long way away from my support system.

 Is history, in a way, repeating itself?

I guess all I can do is cling to the same statement that Steven Curtis Chapman made in this song:

"Well I know we're gonna make it
And I know we're gonna get there soon
So I'll keep on singing and believing what all of my songs say
Cause our God has made a promise
And I know that everything He says is true
And I know wherever we go
He will never leave us
Cause He's going to lead us home
Every single step of the long way home"

So I'll keep on singing and believing what all of my songs say.   

So I'll keep on moving forward and believing what He has said.  Even if I can't see Him now.


Andrew said...

You've got to let me help carry you. I am here for you, you know that, we are in this together. The only person that thinks you failed is yourself. I say pick up the rocks where they landed and make something with them. We can't change where they landed, it is done, they have already been cast upon us. If you keep looking back over your shoulder you are going to miss out on everything that is in front of you. Life is made up of the journey we travel to get to the end. Don't miss out on life by always looking back. Lets stop looking behind us and make something of today that is better then yesterday. We have a decision, we can look back with regrets of what should have been, or realize what we have and make that the best it can and could have been.

Melissa said...

Well said Andrew. You definitely need more help Lisa. To be blunt, I think some therapy is necessary. You are extremely fortunate and blessed, and to have this as ur song doesnt reflect that at all. Honestly, I'm worried about you, and hate you are struggling with very strong emotions. I've had severe depression, and what I'm reading here seems like its getting pretty close.

On a bright note, I'm so glad u have Andrew.

Anonymous said...

I totally get you, Lisa. Going through this struggle with Ryan and reading this reminds me of my own feeling. It's SO easy to tell another parent that they are a good parent and that they haven't failed their child.. but those are very real emotions.. We are both mama bears and I know you feel that way because you WANT to fix it and fit it now, please! :) You're gut instincts are normally right just like I was right with Ryan when everyone just blew me off. You'll get through this!! :)