Wordless Wednesday

Could it be?

But Aidan has been a completely different baby since our appointment a week ago.

He's eating better.  He's even back to breast milk that I had pumped and seems to LOVE it.  (Don't let me go there because he loves it so much I am regretting stopping...even though I know it was for the best.)

He's pooping better.  He's cooing.  He's playing.  He's talking.  EVEN while teething.

He's sleeping somewhat better.

Is it age?  Is it the Prevacid?  Is it simply that we scared the dickens out of him by bringing him to a doctor who was messing with his pooper and he just didn't like it??

Who knows.  Whatever it is, I'll take it.

And love on this whole new baby who seems to have resulted from my sheer stubbornness and refusal to accept that "he will grow out of this."

Sometimes

...I can't believe these two are mine.

...I thought that I couldn't love anyone more than I did Elisa. It's amazing how your heart expands to love the 2nd just as much.

...How far she's come. How amazing she is. I'm reminded every day of just how lucky I am that she's mine and that she came home to me.

Wordless Wednesday

Couldn't just choose one.  Sorry!

Aidan and his pooper

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you've probably seen the ensuing drama that has been occurring with Aidan and his pooper.  Poor kid, his pooper is going to be well known as a bone of contention with me and his doctor in his early life.  Without going into details, it's just never been "right."  It's led to some intense pain while pooping and passing gas and even into some reflux symptoms and regular chronic tummy aches.

But I couldn't get anyone to listen to me.  I kept being told it's "normal" and that he will "grow out of it."  Well, watching your child screaming regularly in pain and battling him to eat anything near the normal amount of intake required to maintain a healthy weight is not how I wanted to spend the next few months while waiting for him to "grow out of it."

Knowing enough about reflux to be able to recognize the symptoms and be aware of what the possible solutions for it are, I knew I wanted to try him on Prevacid.

And here is where I hit the brick wall.  My pedi refused to move forward and kept insisting that we needed to discuss it.  Wanted him on nutramigen as they felt more that it was a food intolerance than reflux since the Zantac they did allow me to try did not touch his symptoms.

Well.  I tried him on nutramigen.  And it failed.  Miserably.  So when I called back again to ask for the Prevacid, I was told again that I needed to come in to "discuss" it.  Discuss what?  We've been discussing it.

So I bypassed the pedi and went straight to a pediatric GI.  Thank you insurance for not requiring a referral.  :)

The results?

Infant Dyskesia.

Basically it's one of those labels you get when you know there is something wrong but you don't know exactly what it is.  It's a motility disorder.


http://www.aboutkidsgi.org/site/about-gi-health-in-kids/functional-gi-and-motility-disorders/

But he's functional.  And end result is he should grow out of it.

Yes, grow out of it.  I hate those words but also love them.  Hate them because I can't "fix" it.  Love them because it means it will, eventually, go away.

The difference here is, though, the GI agreed to let me have the Prevacid.  He did detail the risks and it makes a little bit more sense why the pedi fought so hard against giving it to me (thanks for giving me your thoughts...instead of just telling me it won't work.)  And stated the only reason to really use it is to give some relief to the infant and to mommy from the pain of the heartburn.  And I said I'm at that point as I'm seriously at my wits end.

So, I can put him BACK on the pumped milk I had stored up (glad I saved it!) and got the Prevacid I wanted and here's hoping for a much happier baby in the near future.  And maybe, just maybe, a happier mom.

Long Way Home

 

"I got some rocks in my shoes 

Fears I wish I could lose 

They make the mountains so hard to climb 

And my heart gets so heavy with the weight of the world sometimes 

 There's a bag of regrets 

My should've beens and not yets 

I keep on dragging around 

And I can hardly wait for the day I get to lay it all down

I know that day is coming
I know it's gonna be here soon
And I won't turn back even if the whole world says I'm going the wrong way
Cause it's just a long way home... "

I heard this song again on my drive yesterday.  It struck a chord.  Especially talking about carrying the weight of the world and a bag of regrets and he can hardly wait for the day he can lay it all down.

This is the story of my life it seems.  Always putting one foot in front of the other.  Dealing with the walls that get thrown in my way.  Picking myself back up from the floor after I've been knocked down again.

After awhile you go really?!  Isn't enough, enough?  Haven't I seen/done/been through enough?  When do I get a break?  When do I get the silver lining?  The light at the end of the tunnel?  After awhile, you start to doubt they even exist.

When can I stop being so strong?  When will someone be strong for me?  When will someone carry me when I can no longer go on.

I KNOW my journey could have been much different.  I KNOW things could have turned out way different than they did.  I KNOW I got the easy outcome.

Doesn't make the journey any less hard.

Maybe I haven't gotten to the point that I can no longer carry on, because I don't feel like He's ever carried me yet in this journey.  I feel like He's given me the strength to carry on.  But not the strength to let go.  And I think truly let go is what needs to happen.

And to be honest, I don't even know what "let go" means.  Maybe it's letting go of the feelings of guilt.  Failure.  That I'm somehow stupid.  That I somehow caused it.  That I somehow deserved it.

Things are making a bit more sense now.  Why this time it's so much worse.  It's because I didn't deal with it after Elisa.  I just picked up and moved on.  And now?  Now they are reappearing in struggles with Aidan.

He won't eat.  All I can think of is developing an oral aversion.  He's screaming in pain and I can't fix it.  I'm his mom, I should be able to fix it.  And I can't.  And because I can't, I'm failing him.  Just like I failed Elisa.

But first, I need the doctor to believe me that there is a problem.  Just like I needed the OB with Elisa to believe there was a problem.

That OB didn't, so I ended up in Phoenix.  In a strange hospital.  With strange doctors.  A long long way away from my support system.

 Is history, in a way, repeating itself?

I guess all I can do is cling to the same statement that Steven Curtis Chapman made in this song:

"Well I know we're gonna make it
And I know we're gonna get there soon
So I'll keep on singing and believing what all of my songs say
Cause our God has made a promise
And I know that everything He says is true
And I know wherever we go
He will never leave us
Cause He's going to lead us home
Every single step of the long way home"

So I'll keep on singing and believing what all of my songs say.   

So I'll keep on moving forward and believing what He has said.  Even if I can't see Him now.

Wordless Wednesdays

Brick walls

Hurt when you run into them.

And it seems I've run into more of them than my fair share lately.

Today was particularly trying and as I ran into the same brick wall I've been running into for 5 months now, to be knocked down once again, well, I just shut down.

It's all I could do. I had to stop fighting for a moment. After all, you can only run into so many before you are bruised and bloody and broken and you have to rest and heal before you can start the fight again.

And after spending an evening tickling and filling my head with the sound of childish laughter, re-validating my belief of what the problem is and turning to the support of friends and family to remind me that yes, I am right and yes, something is wrong I am ready to fight again.

Bring it. Before Elisa I was that girl that when pushed too far I just stopped pushing back, even if I knew I was right and especially when it came to medical issues.

Now? Now, I know my children. I know when something is wrong and I'm tired of being discounted and pushed aside in my belief in what the problem is.

I'm refreshed. And I'm fighting again.

Weekend randoms

Over all, it was a great weekend. We started out with a visit to the Tour de NICU a friend put together. It was an amazingly well done event that's purpose was to raise money for the March of Dimes. After getting rained out of the March for Babies, it was even more enjoyable to spend some time with some other miracles.

It was, however, odd to feel "embarrassed" to have the only term baby in the bunch. Not sure that's the right term, but I definitely was more prone to brag on my preemie than my termie even though I am very thankful for my termie.

Speaking of my termie.

Here are some random thoughts/observations I've made about him so far at 5 months old.

1. You have a temper. In fact, if your need is not met in the exact moment it enters your head, all heck breaks loose. On Saturday, I put you down on the floor so that I could go make you a bottle, of which you were asking for and lets just say that was a bad idea. You proceeded to roll in blinding anger all while screaming your head off from the trunk into the kitchen. Going from the soft carpet to the hard wood was an even more anger provoking event. Then you decided to sort of roll between each side, sticking your little bum in the air and I could just see the desire to pound your little hands on the floor a la toddler tantrum. Let me remind you, sweetie. You are just 5 months old. You have 12 more months before you are allowed tantrums like that.

2. You are determined. So determined that you don't give up, even in the midst of an all out melt down because you can't get whatever it is accomplished that you are trying to do. I see your little bum in the air, as above, many a time as you are trying to figure out how to move FORWARD while on your belly. Unfortunately, your hands haven't quite gotten the message and you somehow think that crawling involves standing on your tippy toes and arms to gain forward motion. Not quite my love, but I'm sure you'll get there.

3. You are stubborn. I'm starting to think your stubbornness even out ranks your father's and mine. Which is quite a feat, as your father and I are some of the most incredibly stubborn people I think the world has ever seen. Funny how we married each other, but maybe that's why it works lol.

And to end, here is just a random photo snapped early one morning. I was snuggling with Aidan and Elisa wanted to join. It was a rare moment where she didn't demand that I put him down and focus entirely on her. Instead she basked in the moment of being with both her mommy and her brother.

Don't judge. We were all still in our pj's lol.

Wordless Wednesday

5 months old

It's CRAZY!

Aidan is 5 months old!  I skipped both his 3 and 4 month "photo shoots" but here's a few photos of this 5 month old.  :)

Ok ok.  So most of these are actually photos I've taken over the last week.  So sue me lol!  I promise that some are from today.  :)

Oh and here's a long overdue photo of the belly grow with his pregnancy.

Post Partum Depression

One thing I have always tried to be is what my pastor calls "transparent."  I don't sugar coat.  I don't hide in this blog when I'm struggling.  I think people see that.  At least I hope you do.

I posted a few weeks back about post partum depression.  Over the weekend, a friend posted this article and I wanted to share it with you here.

http://www.preemiebabies101.com/2012/05/professional-insight-knowing-the-signs-of-postpartum-depression/

It's regarding prematurity and post partum specifically, however it has some points that I found interesting for my current bout of ppd.  I know I had some ppd with Elisa, especially after going back and reading this article, however it is no where NEAR the severity of this bout.

How do I know I am struggling with PPD?  Here is the list of things to look for from the above article:

• Insomnia or extreme fatigue (unable to get out of bed)
• Decreased or complete lack of appetite
• Feelings of guilt and/or hopelessness
• Anger or irritability
• Anxiety
• Inability (or perceived inability) to care for your child
• Decreased bonding with your child

I have every single one of these.  I think it's why I am so frustrated with Aidan and why I don't feel like I can "figure" him out.  Why it feels like we are butting heads so frequently.

I also find it interesting that gestational diabetes is linked with an increased risk of PPD.  Maybe the increased severity this time around is due to the longer I was pregnant with him and the longer I had the GD.

Who knows.  All I know is I'm tired of this and can't wait to feel better.

I AM doing something about this for those of you who are wondering.  I have already changed my meds and am looking into seeing a counselor. I do NOT take this lightly.  I will get through this too.

Serious

I need to get serious.

About getting my body back after Aidan.

Granted, those of you that know me in person are probably screaming "Lose weight?  YOU?  Pregnancy and those extra 5 lbs were a blessing!"

Well, it's not that I want to lose numbers on the scale.  I don't.  But when your skin on your back jiggles when you are burping your child it's kinda like an "ew" factor to your psyche.  So I don't want to lose numbers, but "re-organize" where the extra stuff lives.  If that's even possible.  Aside from moving the flab around, I really need to get on this to help prevent the inevitable diabetes I am now seriously at risk for.  2x gestational diabetes and a diet high in carbs with no exercise.  Yeah, I'm a ticking time bomb.

So here's the problem.  I hate exercising.  I always have.  I always find some excuse not to.  I haven't gotten on it yet with Aidan.  My excuse first was he's too small, I don't want to waste my limited energy on exercising.  Then it was I was nursing so trying to do any vigorous exercising with boobs full of milk was, well, unappealing.  Now, I have neither of those excuses.  So I just gotta do it.

I'm looking for suggestions.  Fun, easy, quick ways to get a good work out in that doesn't necessarily burns calories but does help shift things.  Like I want my flatter belly back instead of this bulge left over from my AWESOME (and I don't mean that sarcastically!  I loved having a big belly finally!) belly.  What did you do to get your body back after baby?

Wordless Wednesday