Monday, March 14, 2011

A little faith...or a little hope.

A question that has recently been brought up during our weekly church services was "what is the difference between faith and hope?" And going even further, what does the role of hope and/or faith play in whatever it is that makes you feel alive?

I couldn't really answer it but for my experience with Elisa. I hoped for a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby in the end. When things spiraled out of control and I did NOT get a healthy pregnancy and I didn't think I would get the healthy baby, it was my faith that kept me from loosing everything and helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even when the pregnancy ended abruptly and I was left with a baby that we had no idea what sort of quality of life she would have, that faith still kept me going forward. Even a little bit of hope, that despite the circumstances she would thrive. I think both have vital roles in making a person feel alive. A life with out hope is, well, not truly living. And while you can live with out faith, it's not a life I would want to live, because what else do I have to fall back on when the things I hope for don't materialize?

I've tried many times to put into words what the experience of Elisa's birth felt like. It's truly hard to explain how something that is to be your greatest moment, is in fact your worst. And while, I've not been able to adequately do so...I have met someone who has. Michelle is a mom of another 29 weeker. Born one day (if I remember!) before Elisa. So I've kind of followed her story as well as that of her son, Liam's, closely.

"There is no way to redeem the circumstances surrounding Liam Eliot’s birth, to turn them into something beautiful. If anything, I wish I could make them disappear."

If anything, I wish I could make them disappear.

Going forward, these experiences will always color our perceptions.

But I have faith. Faith in God who got me through it all. I am still standing. And hope. Hope, that should there be a next time, things will go "as planned." Hope, that although the memories will never disappear, the sting they bring will fade into nothingness. Because, honestly, the sight of these pictures still, to do this day, bring tears to my eyes.

They are quickly replaced by tears of joy when I see her, happy, healthy and her precocious self run by me.

This time, I got most of what I hoped for.

A healthy baby.


Lindsay said...

This is soooo incredibly beautiful and touching. Yes, your experiences will always color your future...especially each year you pass Elisa's sign on Baby Boulevard and the flood of emotions come back. God is in the business of making things that are broken into something beautiful. Broken dreams, broken comes from many of these situations through His mercy. I praise Him for showing such mercy and I am so eager to know what beautiful little Elisa will be like and the impact she will make someday as a result of Him giving you each new day with her. Thanks for sharing is so special!

Beth said...

Nicely said. Hope you don't mind I may have to blog about that myself, I've been working on a faith blog in my head forever because having a preemie to me really helped me understand my faith better. She is looking more beautiful everyday too!

Lisa said...

Lindsay, thank you! I, too, am looking forward to seeing who she will become as she's already had such an impact on those who know her.

Beth, please do! I don't mind at all.