Monday, February 21, 2011

A trip down memory lane

I decided today to go back in time. Back to those weeks in the NICU. I thought I was ready, but it turns out I really wasn't. Because I wasn't really able to read the words, words that were so filled with a pain I didn't realize at the time were coming through so powerfully. But one thing stood out to me, and that was my first ever blog for preemies. In it I write "I don't see her as a "preemie" and I won't label her as one. She may have issues when she gets older because of her prematurity, but I will not allow the circumstances of her early birth to be the definition of who she is. She's just mine, and she's gorgeous."

Now, that hasn't changed. She is mine and she is gorgeous. And she is a preemie. When I wrote that, I think I considered the label "preemie" as some sort of a negative label. That to call her a preemie somehow meant she wasn't as good as other children. That somehow she wouldn't be up to snuff.

Almost 16 months later, the label "preemie" has a much different feel to it to me. It's not that I'm proud of her being a preemie in the sense that I would ever purposely try to have another preemie, nor would I ever wish to do it all over again and still have her be a preemie. But, it's sort of like the line in the preemie poem that a lot of my friends, and I, have posted:

"When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it."

Each day, each step, each milestone, each pound, each bite, each BREATH is a miracle. And I witness it EVERY day. And in THAT I guess I am proud. I am proud of what she has overcome. I am proud of how hard she's fought. I am proud that she doesn't realize just how special she is. I know. And in a very unique way.

To go from here:

to here:

I guess she's lucky. Because in many ways, she doesn't have to do much to impress me. Just by her being here impresses me. And makes me proud. Where we are now, is more than I ever imagined we would be 16 months ago. She was named the "rock star" by our nurse practitioner. I don't think there is any other nick name that would more accurately describe her. She is, truly, a rock star.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

The emotions come flooding back when I read about my preemies but wow, being back in the NICU for a third time with complications that were not expected make it so vivid! It's crazy to be in the same place for a third time and it's been so different each time and yet so similar.
I am proud of my preemies too and so happy to see how far they have come and see where they are going. Taylor seems to have no delays, we aren't sure with Mark and obviously, it's too early to tell with Luke but I am proud of each of them and how well they have done weather it's been in the last three and a half years or three and a half weeks. Preemies are amazing blessings.