Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Before getting pregnant with Elisa and during most of my pregnancy, actually, I participated in a forum with some other really great girls who had been trying to conceive. By the time I was pregnant, they had all managed to become pregnant and all but one had delivered healthy, full term babies.

Now, all are pregnant with baby number 2 or 3. 2 are already further than I was able to go. And I find myself thrilled for them. But unable to relate anymore. And what's even more unusual is that all of them were "oops" pregnancies.

So I keep thinking, I'd love to have an "oops" pregnancy. But I have to talk myself out of it. Why? Because I think I only want an "oops" pregnancy to try to erase all the bad memories from my three previous pregnancies. Somehow, I think if I can have an "oops" maybe this one will last AND go full term and I can experience the excitement and joy of pregnancy rather than just the loss and fear.

Now I have my baby. I love her and I would not give her up. If I had to choose between not having her at all and going full term or having her early, but still having her, I'd have her. I can't say I wouldn't change anything though. Because if I could have my cake, and eat it too, I'd chose that in a heartbeat.

Anyway, I'm just having a hard time watching all these girls have a successful pregnancy. They are very careful not to complain of the lack of comforts of the third trimester, but I still find myself unable to relate. I have a hard time not calling Elisa's birth a "successful" pregnancy because she is, after all, here and healthy. But at the same time, it wasn't a "successful" pregnancy.

*sigh* I'm just feeling a bit blue today, I guess.

1 comment:

Lauren said...

I'm sorry you're struggling with this... maybe you should join a new infertility thread/forum and ask them what their definition of a successful pregnancy is... it might get you thinking in a different new way.

And I know it may not seem like it, but it's ok to not relate to them. You and Elisa have you're own unique story that no one else can relate to. It's unfortunate that your pregnancy didn't go full term or as you had hoped/planned/etc. but the important thing is that she is here and healthy, like you said. There is a plan for all of us, and your trials are all part of it as hard to accept as they may be. But I think that living in the moment, happy and appreciative of the gifts God has given us is also part of the plan.

I hope you find some peace on this issue so you are able to concentrate on the present, instead of what did or didn't happen in the past.

(you're probably thinking that all this is easy for me to say since I went to 38 weeks and had a "successful" pregnancy, but I mean all of this in the most sincere way possible. I'm here to chat if you need to.)