Maybe it's ok

"Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok
'Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it's all right if I'm not all right
'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life."  ~We are Messengers

Mental health has a stigma surrounding it.  I don't know why but it seems no one ever wants to truly say how they feel.  Conversations never go more than skin deep when someone asks you how it's going.  How many times have you been asked that question just to respond with "it's going ok" or "things are great!"  And how many times has that actually been what you wanted to say.

I'm guilty of this, and not so much because I'm afraid of the stigma of mental health.  Heck, I'm not afraid to blast it on Facebook.  PTSD, anxiety, depression are rampant in my life and in my mind.  I've actually been discriminated against because I fully admit to PTSD following E's NICU stay, because I want the world to know that yes, the NICU can be THAT traumatic and PTSD is more common after a NICU stay than most would believe or know.  And I do so hoping that other NICU moms read it and realize that a) they have it too and b) it's normal after what they've been through.

But I think for myself, I don't say what I really feel because I don't want anyone to feel like I'm just a Debbie Downer.  I don't want to bring anyone else down just because I'm struggling.

And yes, I'm struggling, and not in a bad way.  Who wouldn't if you woke up every morning preparing yourself for battle and a battle that you don't know when it will end?  Would you be ok if you had to watch your kid with every meal display anxiety?  Picking her nails, her skin, playing with her food making you think she's eating it, going for her drink.  Anything other than putting the food on her plate in her mouth.  When every meal takes an hour, sometimes more, even breakfast.  A simple bowl of cereal can become a line in the sand.

I think part of why I am struggling is because my personality is one of transparency.  I need to share, to get these words out of my head, in an effort to reduce the power they hold on me.  The more I keep them in the more the bounce and echo and swirl with dizzying power.  But I've been afraid, yes afraid, to share her story in this journey.

But what if I wasn't afraid?  What if she wasn't afraid?  What if everyone shared and the stigma disappeared?  Yes, she has an eating disorder but it's not something to hide and only share in whispered back room conversations like she has the plague.  Yes, we avoid any activities that include food because I'm not having that battle in a room full of people.  Not because I'm embarrassed by her, but I am, in many ways, afraid of how others will see her in the midst of the lack of knowledge surrounding eating disorders and mental health in general.

The song Maybe It's Ok has been bouncing around in my head for a few days now, especially the "maybe it's ok to not be ok."

Remove the stigma.  Because sometimes it really is ok to not be ok.