Tuesday, March 26, 2019

It's not about control, y'all!

Seriously.  I can't tell you how many times I have heard this.  It's a power struggle.  Stop fighting her and she'll stop fighting back.  It's about control.








I swear if I had a quarter....

It's not about freaking control.  But it is also something I have struggled to understand.  Especially how to explain it to others not living it.

You see, when your child has an eating disorder, particularly a restrictive one, something happens in their brain.  It's an anxiolytic response.

E is so overwhelmed and terrified of her world.  A world she does not understand.  A world that is scary.  We sat together last night while she cried because she was afraid to grow up.  Afraid of a time that her father and I wouldn't be here, because she needs us so much.  She was afraid of the standardized testing they are about to do in school.  She was afraid of letting go of the past, because she was afraid she would forget those that were special to her in the past and their memories.  Her stomach and brain were churning with so much fear and she became afraid that she was going to get sick.

It's a horrible vicious cycle.

Restricting her food (or, as she said to me last night, not eating so she will stop growing) has become like an addiction to her.  She has realized that when she doesn't eat, she feels better.  She is not afraid.  Restricting the amount and type of food she eats has become an addiction to her.  It has become her way of dealing with the anxiety that consumes her.

Think about it this way.  An alcoholic uses alcohol to deal with difficult things.  It soothes them in the chaos of their life.  But, from the outside, we understand how the alcoholism is actually destroying their life and their health.  It causes them to act and do things that they may not otherwise do if they were not in the grips of the need for that drink.  

To E, restricting is alcohol.  It has become what soothes her when she is afraid.  Is there a control element?  Sure.  But it's a false one.  One she has told herself and that her brain has convinced her is the only way she can control this world she is in.

But from the outside, from our point of view, we can see the damage this way of thinking causes.  The malnutrition, the aggressive behavior, the anxious movements of her hands.  But to her, she sees that she is doing her best to stop herself from growing up and our requirement that she eat is something to be fought.

She does not comprehend that this restriction will ultimately kill her.


She.Does.Not.Understand.

A very wise friend of mine said it this way.  "Thoughts control behaviors. She cannot control her thoughts. They are what are disordered. Her behavior comes out of the thoughts, not the other way around." 

When you see it as a control thing, you are seeing the behavior.  But the behavior is not the origin of the problem.

No.  This is not about control.  This is not about the parent/child power struggle.  Or the child/authoritative figure power struggle.

This is about fear.  Fear of living a life without her drug.  Fear of living life without her restriction.

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