Thursday, April 15, 2010


Seeps into my soul. Steals all my joy.

Wow, I'm tired of the flashbacks. I don't know if what I am experiencing is worse than others. It's probably not. While searching for a video from my show last year, I ran across this video:

And I remembered where I was. Just off the mag drip. Still on a catheter. Wondering if my baby would survive this. If my baby didn't survive, would I survive? Could I get past this? I saw vividly the hospital room. I felt the fear. The uncertainty.

Now many are wondering how can I talk about this? Don't I have faith? Don't I have my God with me? My God who can fix anything?

The answer is, I do. But my God never said I wouldn't experience trials. He did say He'd be there with me through them.

Some may say, but He can fix it. He could have kept her in there until term. He could have stopped you from even going into labor early. HE COULD HAVE STOPPED IT ALL.

He could have. But He didn't. I don't know why. But it made me think of things I do with Elisa. I make her have tummy time. I make her lay there for a few minutes even as she screams and grumps and rants and tells me she doesn't want to be there. But if I don't put her there, will she ever learn to roll over? Maybe, maybe not.

The great thing about my faith is I know I can scream and yell at Him. I know He hurts for me and hates to see me going through it. I know He is standing right there, ready to pick me up and hug me and make it all better.

And making it all better doesn't necessarily mean accomplishing the task or taking the trial away. In the same way Elisa feels my love when I pick her up after she's tried, either successfully, or unsuccessfully, to roll over, I know my God picks me up.

There is something I'm learning from this. I don't know what. I don't know when God will pick me up from my belly this time. I know that He will. But I don't know when.

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