Happy 6 months of me!

Yup, that's me! 6 months old now. Can you believe I started out here?



Well, I'm growing really fast. I was tested last week and I am meeting many of the milestones for a baby in the 3 month to 5 month old range. That's quite a jump from when I was tested a month ago! I sleep 10-12 hours a night, which mommy and daddy love. Of course mommy still has to check on me. You know she doesn't trust me yet. But I haven't exactly given her a reason to yet, seeing as how I did decide when I would come. But I'll make it up to her!

I'm still drinking from a bottle, but I get to have solid foods sometime next month! I can't wait! I keep looking at mommy and daddy's plates and think how good that looks.

Here's me playing with my daddy. He loves me too.



So anyway, I don't really have a weight update because mommy doesn't take me to the doctor as much. But she thinks I'm more than 2 sacks of flour! Probably around 11 pounds. But I am thinking about crawling already. This scares mommy. I think it goes back to the trust thingy. I'm sorry mommy, I just wanted to meet you!

The power of faith?

I found myself having quite an interesting conversation with God last night. As we were driving home from our date night, I found myself thinking of all the girls on the preemie parenting board. And found it interesting that many of the girls profess a faith in God, and a lot of a strong faith in Christ.

So it made me wonder, does God send a lot of the preemies to women of faith, knowing that because of our faith we can handle it more? I didn't like that thought process, because it smacked to me of almost a "punishment" to His faithful.

But then I realized, it's not because they have faith they had preemies. It's because of their faith that they want to HELP other moms of preemies get through this. And in that way, God is showing His presence to these women in this horrible and frightening time of their life.

And I went...wow God, you really ARE there. I don't always see you. In fact, it seems that at the times I am not looking for you, and in fact are stubbornly crossing my arms in anger at what I perceive as you "doing" to me, you are standing right there in the most obvious of places. Probably laughing at my childish fit.

It really struck me as I watched this group of girls rally around another of our friends. She had a 29 week preemie, also in October, but her little boy never made it home. He spent six months in the NICU before passing away on Thursday. All of us are utterly heartbroken. Many of us rallied resources to try to get her some help.

We can't get there in person, but we are there in spirit. We love you Joshy. We love you Yesenia.

I don't have candles in church that I can light for Joshy, but I took this picture yesterday in tribute to him.



God is there. He doesn't always come in the angel of saving grace. Sometimes He comes in the words of love and support from far away friends. Sometimes He comes in miracles. Sometimes He comes in the tragedies. Sometimes He comes in the healing arms of a friend, or the smile of a baby.

Where will you find Him today?

Look! I got rolls!

My chunky ankles!!

Depression

Seeps into my soul. Steals all my joy.

Wow, I'm tired of the flashbacks. I don't know if what I am experiencing is worse than others. It's probably not. While searching for a video from my show last year, I ran across this video:



And I remembered where I was. Just off the mag drip. Still on a catheter. Wondering if my baby would survive this. If my baby didn't survive, would I survive? Could I get past this? I saw vividly the hospital room. I felt the fear. The uncertainty.

Now many are wondering how can I talk about this? Don't I have faith? Don't I have my God with me? My God who can fix anything?

The answer is, I do. But my God never said I wouldn't experience trials. He did say He'd be there with me through them.

Some may say, but He can fix it. He could have kept her in there until term. He could have stopped you from even going into labor early. HE COULD HAVE STOPPED IT ALL.

He could have. But He didn't. I don't know why. But it made me think of things I do with Elisa. I make her have tummy time. I make her lay there for a few minutes even as she screams and grumps and rants and tells me she doesn't want to be there. But if I don't put her there, will she ever learn to roll over? Maybe, maybe not.

The great thing about my faith is I know I can scream and yell at Him. I know He hurts for me and hates to see me going through it. I know He is standing right there, ready to pick me up and hug me and make it all better.

And making it all better doesn't necessarily mean accomplishing the task or taking the trial away. In the same way Elisa feels my love when I pick her up after she's tried, either successfully, or unsuccessfully, to roll over, I know my God picks me up.

There is something I'm learning from this. I don't know what. I don't know when God will pick me up from my belly this time. I know that He will. But I don't know when.

Goal met!

Wow, my friends are great! Thanks Kryss! We've made our goal...but that doesn't mean we won't take extra! :)

Teamwork

Thanks to my awesome march for babies team, we are 80% on the way to our goal! I just need two more people to donate $10 and we have met the goal!!!!

Another donation

Wow, thanks Sheryl! I should have signed up earlier and made a larger goal. I have awesome friends! :)

Yay!

Received my first two donations! Thanks Lauren and Becky. :) 30% of the way there already!!

Double D!

We are in the double digits! Wahooo!!

We had our 6 month check up on Monday, and it went great! We are tipping the scales at 10lb 7oz and are 23 1/4 inches long. We are ON THE CHARTS for height! I'm thrilled, I can't believe we are already on the charts at not quite 6 months.

It's been a rather quiet few days, which for the most part, is good. I really have nothing to update. We continue to roll over, have enjoyed some out door weather. We are officially out of "quarantine" until next winter when it starts all over again. Doc decided to keep Elisa on the nutramigen formula as it appears to be working. Her weight gain is going well and her reflux is better controlled. So that means...I can stop pumping. I've begun that process and can't wait until this is over because it HURTS.

On another note, I have been saying I was going to do this for weeks now. And I decided I should finally JUST DO IT. So I registered. For the March for Babies. Since I'm so late getting on the band wagon, I have a small goal of $100 to raise. So all I need is 10 people willing to give $10!! Do I have 10 people willing to do that? :) You can donate by visiting my team page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1433752

If you are in the area and want to join, sign up to be on our team! Elisa will be walking, err, riding in it herself. :)

I'll post pictures a little later. I want to get some of her rolls. Cuz she has some now! :-D

Talk about irony

It struck me last night how ironic Elisa's birthday turned out to be.

As many of you know, we were needing help to get pregnant and were using some medicine and cycle tracking. Well, because I knew my show would be in October, I purposely went back on the pill and avoided getting pregnant from January to March, just so I wouldn't have a due date from September to November.

Elisa came in October.

Guess it shows who's really in control, lol. And it's not me. And it's not Elisa.

3 weeks

I recently came across a mom on my preemie parenting board who had her little one on October 8, 2009. She was due January 12, 2010. She had her baby one day before I landed in the hospital with Elisa.

It shows me where we could have been. I don't know too many details of how her baby is doing, but what I can read between the lines is she's struggling. Her baby was in the NICU for 90 + days, as opposed to the 49 we were in.

It breaks my heart. As many things do lately. But every time I see a post from this mom or something on her baby, I think that could have been me. I am pretty sure she looks at Elisa, and wonders what her baby would have been like had she been able to get those 3 extra weeks.

Thank you, Lord, for those 3 extra weeks.

Well, found something that Elisa is ahead of the curve on.

Growing. When you compare her to an average baby. Of course they are talking full term, but when I was googling growth spurts, I came across this interesting fact:

By the baby's first birthday, they will have grown 8-10 inches in height and tripled their birth weight.

Well. We've almost hit the 8 inches (as per our last appointment and height check) and seeing as how we started out close to 3 lbs and are now pushing 10 lbs, we've already tripled our birth weight. I just find it some what amusing that while we are way behind on most everything else, we are way ahead of this growth statistic. I guess I have to find humor somewhere, lol.

Grow baby grow!

Grieving my pregnancy

So, something a friend said on my preemie parenting board struck home with me this weekend. We were discussing flashbacks that many of us seem to be struggling with, even though our little ones are home safe and sound and relatively healthy. She commented that we really are grieving our pregnancies.

A quick google of the stages of grief gave me 5 stages:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

So I started thinking, where am I in this process? I think I skipped 1 and 3, as I remember being angry, but I couldn't deny where I was or what had happened, and I don't remember bargaining either. I know that now, I'm at #4. And I've been here for a while. Maybe this will be the longest stage? I don't know.

But my friend was right. I may have my little girl, but I am really grieving my pregnancy. I didn't get the excitement. It ended so suddenly. With a positive outcome. But I still missed out on all the fun times of a pregnancy. I pray that one day I will experience the fun side as well.

Anyway, I'm not really sad or anything right now. We had a GREAT weekend. Lots of time with friends and family. We got to see our Uncle Joey for the first time. And I think we were confused by this person who looked just like Daddy but didn't sound or smell like him. But in the end, we charmed him and he charmed us so it was all good.



Look at those rolls on her arms! I LOVE seeing her with that baby fat.