Yes, there is an end...

To my rope. And I've found it.

So I said in my last post, there was quite a bit to update, and there was. There still is. She's doing fabulous. She's taking at least 40% of her feeds by bottle/nipple. She's been maintaining her temperature and is very close to being in an open crib. She has not had a recordable brady in 3 days. Being home before Christmas is not a far off possibility. Some feel that they would be shocked if she were still in at that time. In fact, some were so confident that I even bought my plane tickets home!

Here's where the end of the rope comes in. The opinion above changes based on what doctor/nurse/specialist is on that day. When it comes to consistency, they don't have it. In fact, the reason I believe she is only at 40% feeds is because when I'm not there, and it's not one of my primary nurses, they don't even bother to try to get her to take the bottle. And this is not just an unjustifiable frustration. I had one nurse admit to me that she was only on the pump because she was too busy with other stuff to feed her. Really? I had another nurse who was so resistant to letting me breast feed her that after she reluctantly let me try (and SUCCEED) and even get her to take another 8ml by bottle, force another FULL feed down her throat. Through the tube. When we arrived in that morning, she was on the pump. The reason? She was sleeping and she didn't want to wake her. Uhhhh, she wakes up when you get in there to change her diaper and take her temperature. I mean, she screams bloody murder. And you are supposed to do this every three hours, before you feed her. So how can she NOT be awake? Poor Elisa was in so much pain after that double feed. I had to sit with her and burp her for the entire three hours after it was over to keep her even remotely comfortable. And then, by the time her next feed came around, she SO was not hungry. Eh, hello? So they pushed her feeding times back by an hour.

I keep being told to trust the medical staff. I know the majority of the time she gets good care. This one instance was the first instance of anything like this in the entire 5 weeks that we've been there. But it's hard to trust someone when the story changes. Day by day, hour by hour. It's not intentional, but how am I supposed to gain any sense of direction, or even have confidence that they know what they are doing, when I can't get a consistent answer to the same question?

I'm at the point that I don't even want to go into the hospital anymore. It's too stressful. I can't go from A to C to B to K to D and then finally to Z. My brain can't comprehend the constant changes in direction. They keep telling me it's Elisa driving these changes, but from what I've seen, it's not. It's the whim of whomever is caring for her that day. She'll take the entire bottle...if you work with her.

I just want to go home. I just want my baby. I just wanted a normal life, a normal pregnancy, a normal ending.

*Sigh* this to shall pass.

My little rock star, who makes this all worth it: