Brick walls

Hurt when you run into them.

And it seems I've run into more of them than my fair share lately.

Today was particularly trying and as I ran into the same brick wall I've been running into for 5 months now, to be knocked down once again, well, I just shut down.

It's all I could do. I had to stop fighting for a moment. After all, you can only run into so many before you are bruised and bloody and broken and you have to rest and heal before you can start the fight again.

And after spending an evening tickling and filling my head with the sound of childish laughter, re-validating my belief of what the problem is and turning to the support of friends and family to remind me that yes, I am right and yes, something is wrong I am ready to fight again.

Bring it. Before Elisa I was that girl that when pushed too far I just stopped pushing back, even if I knew I was right and especially when it came to medical issues.

Now? Now, I know my children. I know when something is wrong and I'm tired of being discounted and pushed aside in my belief in what the problem is.

I'm refreshed. And I'm fighting again.

Weekend randoms

Over all, it was a great weekend. We started out with a visit to the Tour de NICU a friend put together. It was an amazingly well done event that's purpose was to raise money for the March of Dimes. After getting rained out of the March for Babies, it was even more enjoyable to spend some time with some other miracles.

It was, however, odd to feel "embarrassed" to have the only term baby in the bunch. Not sure that's the right term, but I definitely was more prone to brag on my preemie than my termie even though I am very thankful for my termie.

Speaking of my termie.

Here are some random thoughts/observations I've made about him so far at 5 months old.

1. You have a temper. In fact, if your need is not met in the exact moment it enters your head, all heck breaks loose. On Saturday, I put you down on the floor so that I could go make you a bottle, of which you were asking for and lets just say that was a bad idea. You proceeded to roll in blinding anger all while screaming your head off from the trunk into the kitchen. Going from the soft carpet to the hard wood was an even more anger provoking event. Then you decided to sort of roll between each side, sticking your little bum in the air and I could just see the desire to pound your little hands on the floor a la toddler tantrum. Let me remind you, sweetie. You are just 5 months old. You have 12 more months before you are allowed tantrums like that.

2. You are determined. So determined that you don't give up, even in the midst of an all out melt down because you can't get whatever it is accomplished that you are trying to do. I see your little bum in the air, as above, many a time as you are trying to figure out how to move FORWARD while on your belly. Unfortunately, your hands haven't quite gotten the message and you somehow think that crawling involves standing on your tippy toes and arms to gain forward motion. Not quite my love, but I'm sure you'll get there.

3. You are stubborn. I'm starting to think your stubbornness even out ranks your father's and mine. Which is quite a feat, as your father and I are some of the most incredibly stubborn people I think the world has ever seen. Funny how we married each other, but maybe that's why it works lol.

And to end, here is just a random photo snapped early one morning. I was snuggling with Aidan and Elisa wanted to join. It was a rare moment where she didn't demand that I put him down and focus entirely on her. Instead she basked in the moment of being with both her mommy and her brother.

Don't judge. We were all still in our pj's lol.

Wordless Wednesday

5 months old

It's CRAZY!

Aidan is 5 months old!  I skipped both his 3 and 4 month "photo shoots" but here's a few photos of this 5 month old.  :)

Ok ok.  So most of these are actually photos I've taken over the last week.  So sue me lol!  I promise that some are from today.  :)

Oh and here's a long overdue photo of the belly grow with his pregnancy.

Post Partum Depression

One thing I have always tried to be is what my pastor calls "transparent."  I don't sugar coat.  I don't hide in this blog when I'm struggling.  I think people see that.  At least I hope you do.

I posted a few weeks back about post partum depression.  Over the weekend, a friend posted this article and I wanted to share it with you here.

http://www.preemiebabies101.com/2012/05/professional-insight-knowing-the-signs-of-postpartum-depression/

It's regarding prematurity and post partum specifically, however it has some points that I found interesting for my current bout of ppd.  I know I had some ppd with Elisa, especially after going back and reading this article, however it is no where NEAR the severity of this bout.

How do I know I am struggling with PPD?  Here is the list of things to look for from the above article:

• Insomnia or extreme fatigue (unable to get out of bed)
• Decreased or complete lack of appetite
• Feelings of guilt and/or hopelessness
• Anger or irritability
• Anxiety
• Inability (or perceived inability) to care for your child
• Decreased bonding with your child

I have every single one of these.  I think it's why I am so frustrated with Aidan and why I don't feel like I can "figure" him out.  Why it feels like we are butting heads so frequently.

I also find it interesting that gestational diabetes is linked with an increased risk of PPD.  Maybe the increased severity this time around is due to the longer I was pregnant with him and the longer I had the GD.

Who knows.  All I know is I'm tired of this and can't wait to feel better.

I AM doing something about this for those of you who are wondering.  I have already changed my meds and am looking into seeing a counselor. I do NOT take this lightly.  I will get through this too.

Serious

I need to get serious.

About getting my body back after Aidan.

Granted, those of you that know me in person are probably screaming "Lose weight?  YOU?  Pregnancy and those extra 5 lbs were a blessing!"

Well, it's not that I want to lose numbers on the scale.  I don't.  But when your skin on your back jiggles when you are burping your child it's kinda like an "ew" factor to your psyche.  So I don't want to lose numbers, but "re-organize" where the extra stuff lives.  If that's even possible.  Aside from moving the flab around, I really need to get on this to help prevent the inevitable diabetes I am now seriously at risk for.  2x gestational diabetes and a diet high in carbs with no exercise.  Yeah, I'm a ticking time bomb.

So here's the problem.  I hate exercising.  I always have.  I always find some excuse not to.  I haven't gotten on it yet with Aidan.  My excuse first was he's too small, I don't want to waste my limited energy on exercising.  Then it was I was nursing so trying to do any vigorous exercising with boobs full of milk was, well, unappealing.  Now, I have neither of those excuses.  So I just gotta do it.

I'm looking for suggestions.  Fun, easy, quick ways to get a good work out in that doesn't necessarily burns calories but does help shift things.  Like I want my flatter belly back instead of this bulge left over from my AWESOME (and I don't mean that sarcastically!  I loved having a big belly finally!) belly.  What did you do to get your body back after baby?

Wordless Wednesday