Saturday, November 5, 2011

Confidence and disbelief

You are probably wondering what those two words have in common. At the surface they are two very different emotions...but they are all swirled into one in my heart at the moment.

To start, I sit here and I have these blinding moments of disbelief. Am I really here, 32 weeks pregnant? Am I really this far? Am I REALLY going to have a baby in a little over a month?

I remember when we began our journey into parenthood, and all the trouble we had to even get pregnant. And now I sit here with a swollen belly, watching the leaves turn and feeling my stomach churn. Feeling the excitement course through my veins as I watch the leaves turn and know, just know that I'm going to make it.

I feel so confident in fact that I went out today and bought take home outfits.

Yes, take home outfits. I'm actually contemplating packing a hospital bag. And having it ready just in case. As much as I would love to make it to that 39 week mark, I'd also love to have that "oh my gosh, the baby's coming NOW!" a good way. Because I'm term and this baby decided now was the time to come.

I had a hospital tour. I looked at pediatricians and had to choose one that visits that hospital, since my current one doesn't. I'm making lists of things I want to accomplish on my leave, which starts in just 2.5 short weeks.

Is this really my life? It couldn't be. Things don't go right for me. In fact, it usually feels like I'm the one clinging to the rim of that deep pit for dear life and wondering when it will be my turn. I'm usually the one sitting back, watching everyone else with the perfect life get everything they ever dreamed of while I claw my way to even realize just the smallest of my dreams.

And yet, here I am, on the brink of a dream come true.

Could this really happen to me?


Lindsay said...

I am SO thrilled for you! 32 weeks!!! hip hip hooray!! God has shown you His mercy even still. Hang in there, adorable mama!

Lindsay said...

I am so thrilled for you!! 32 precious weeks!!! God has been showing you His mercy and sustained you all the while! SO excited to see how far He carries you :)