UGH

So trying to customize this blog and can't get my picture at the top to stretch like I want it to!!! Anyone know how to better customize this thing?

Bring the Rain

I recently found the blog of Angie Smith, the wife of Todd Smith, one of the vocalists in the group Selah. It was brought to my attention by one of the members of a preemie parenting forum that I participate in and details the store of Audrey, their fourth child, who only lived for 2.5 hours after her birth.

And it brought it home to me.

How blessed I really am.

While Elisa never had any of the problems little Audrey did, things could have been very different. They could have turned out way worse than they did. Elisa could not be here right now, sleeping peacefully in my arms.

It reminded me of things I didn't really put down into words at the time we first began this journey. When I originally landed in the hospital at 26 weeks pregnant and in imminent danger of delivering. The doctors were preparing us for the eventuality. And I remember the terror. I remember thinking she's less than 2 pounds. It's too early. I remember asking Andrew and my parents to tell the doctors to put me under for the c-section. I did not want to be awake when they took her out. I was so afraid of how she would look, I was so afraid of her not breathing. I would have much rather been asleep during the process and woken up to find she had passed than to have had to watch it while prone on the operating table.

But God gave me three more weeks to prepare. He performed several miracles during that time. He baffled the medical staff as things that occurred just DON'T happen. Dialation does NOT go backwards. But it did. Twice. Full blown labor, contractions, dialating stopped completely for 2 weeks.

So as traumatic as these last few months have been, it COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.

I thank God for what He's done. For where He's brought us. I pray that He would use my experience in whatever way He needs it to be used. I don't know what that is yet. But I don't want to miss it.

For those that are interested, here is the link to the blog: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008_01_01_archive.html

What I love about you...

To copy a little bit from a friend's blog...

What I love about Elisa at this moment. Her way of asking for you to hold her up and make her jump. She'll fuss until you let her stand in front of you. Then she'll swing her hips back and forth until you jump her. And then, the best part, she gives you the biggest grin. And then the cycle begins again.

Nursery is

FINISHED!

Yes, almost 4 months after she was born, we finally have Elisa's nursery set up, with all the pictures up and all of that stuff. Seeing as how we had little done prior to my leaving for Arizona, and then trying to take care of a little one, it was a bit difficult to get it done.

So here are the pictures. It's not perfect. It doesn't look like a professionally decorated nursery. But it's all I'm gonna get. Mainly cuz I'm too cheap to go buy anymore for it. :)

So...

I've made a decision.

As you could tell from my last post, I've been dealing with a lot of "guilt" and feelings of "failure." Part of that is driven by the fact that I was having trouble with the whole breast feeding thing. I so desperately wanted to breast feed, and we were doing a GREAT job. But, I was unable to get enough extra to support her for when I travel. And with a trip coming up at the end of March, I was seriously stressing myself out.

So, I compromised. I've gone to expressly pumping, like I did in the NICU. And I'm LOVING it. More than I thought I would. Because now, I can leave her for longer periods of time. Someone else can feed her. Andrew can help more. AND I'm able to control how much she's getting and she's going longer periods between feeds. And I've been able to store some away. I've also been mixing it with an ounce or two of formula to help it go further, but since she had to have the supplement bottles anyway for the added calories, that isn't too much of a change. So she's still getting the benefits of breast milk, and I get the freedom to be able to do more.

I do miss the bonding of the actual breast feeding part. But I'm much happier this way, and by that, I think she will be much happier as well.

And I think this weekend, the nursery will FINALLY be done! :) I'll post pics when it is.

*Sigh*

Everyone tells me we are doing a great job with Elisa, and that it's not my fault she came early. So why do I still feel like I'm ruining my kid somehow and have this overwhelming feeling of failure whenever I think about her coming early? Is this just typical, new mom guilt? Or is this somewhat exaggerated by her traumatic, early delivery? I feel like I should be doing more with her, rather than trying to get so much stuff done around the house. I feel like I should be more involved in trying to get her to play or do other things instead of sitting here holding her while typing on the computer. Is this just the way it will be for the rest of my life, now? Constantly walking a tight rope, praying that I'm not ruining her?

Pooting

I was forwarded this e-mail today that brought back a whole host of memories and I just had to share.

As a background, so you understand why this is so amusing, when Elisa was about 5 weeks old and learning to feed from the bottle, we noticed a very peculiar character trait. Elisa was NOT a lady. She could fart and belch with the best of them. In fact, I had sent a random text to a friend of mine, simply stating that "my daughter farts like a man." I don't know if this friend has yet to recover from falling off his chair from that one. Anyway, we noticed this one day while changing her diaper, and I lifted her little legs and she let...one...RIP. It was loud enough to echo across the hall. My mother and I died laughing. (The NICU is a very stressful place...you learn to find humor where you can and as childish as this was, it was the funniest thing we had seen in a while.) I decided I wanted to play Jingle Bells with her poots as they were loud enough and long enough to do so. We even coined a song:

"I'm a little pooter,
Short and stout,
Here is my pooter,
Here is my snout" or something like that.

Along with this propensity to poot, she was figuring out this whole suck, swallow, breathe skill. She was figuring it out so well, in fact, that she decided she did NOT want to stop for anything, not even to burp. So she'd be sucking, swallow, suck suck, swallow BUUUUUUURP, suck suck swallow. And it was the loudest belch I've heard to this day.

Now that she's out of the hospital and is home, she still enjoys her poots. I can hear her at night, over the monitor, trying to get a particularly large one out. She moans, she groans, she bears down, you hear PFFFFFFFFFFFT and then she gives a particularly loud sigh of satisfaction, complete with "ahhhhhhh." She immediately goes back to sleep. I can't tell you how many times I've almost fallen off the bed in laughter listening to this. She will even lift her little leg herself and let one rip as you are holding her during the day.

Elisa is SO not a lady.

So, this will be Elisa in several years:

Maxine's Starbuck's Saga

I was in Starbucks yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my Latte and then noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

So...should I save this story for her wedding day?

I love you baby! You have provided nothing but endless entertainment for your short 3 months of life, and I wouldn't trade it for the world!