Oh crappy day!

Well from one extreme to the other isn't it? Almost feels like there must be something to counteract everything. So for every good there is a bad? Had my post op appointment today and it turns out I have Stage IV endo. Doc said that means it's been growing in there for 7-10 YEARS. Years! That means it more than likely began growing when I became very ill back in 2000. Coincidence? Hmmm. I think NOT. Basically that tells me that the doctors before really weren't listening to me. Stress causing it, yeah right. Someone tell me please why it had to take 8 years and two miscarriages before the REAL reason for my stomach/weight issues to be discovered?

So what does Stage IV endo mean? I'm not entirely sure as I have adamantly refused to google it. I haven't wanted to know. Too much of the information out on the internet tends to be bad news and I just can't bear to look at it that way. All I know is that it was all over everything. Pelvic floor, uterus (both inside and out), probably bladder and intestines (hence the STOMACH/DIGESTION problems), one of my ovaries was just covered in it. It is unequivocally the reason for my miscarriages. Hands down. It caused the poor egg quality, it hindered the progesterone development. It probably was the cause of my extremely irregular cycles.

So where to from here? Doc lasered out as much of the endo as he could during the surgery. He has placed me on pseudo-menopause until December, which will starve out/kill any remaining endo he couldn't get to. Then we have to get pregnant FAST. We have about 6 months before the endo starts growing back. After birth - I have to go on the pill that only allows 3 cycles a YEAR. Then get pregnant fast again. Thing is, with the drug regimen the doc is putting me on - I have an increased risk for multiples. So that thing I had growing up about always wanting TWINS? Well it's a real possibility now. Funny how these things work out, huh?

So mostly, I think I'm ok. A bit frustrated that the wait is going to have to be so long. I want it and I want it now on some things. Mostly angry that all these things were related - that I can pretty much deduce that this all STARTED back in January 2000 when I first became ill and I had to FIGHT that doc to even consider that something more was wrong with me than just STRESS. 3 months and 20 lbs and a little internal bleeding later - oh I guess something WAS wrong. What is wrong, oh I dunno?! I've heard it said that's why it's called a medical practice but why do I have to be the guinea pig? Grr. On the positive side, doc seems pretty confident that I'll be pregnant by March of 09. December seems a popular month for milestones in my life.

Oh happy day!

Our prayers have been answered - partially! Andrew was offered a position today with a middle school here in town, as a paraeducator. Now it's not what we were really hoping for as it's not a full time teaching position, but it is with an excellent school that is very excited to have him and there is the possibility of moving into a full time teaching position very quickly! We are trusting God in His plan for us right now. So please continue to pray for us, for continued growth in our careers and our family and that God will continue to work towards our dreams coming true!

Wow

I just have to share. I feel awesome! We had a wonderful weekend. Andrew had good interviews on Friday, we had a good time with friends all weekend (Dinner Saturday night and then a baptism all this afternoon.) For the first time in a long time, I feel refreshed, even if exhausted. Still it feels good.

Laproscopy

Wow what a week! I have been absolutely wrecked all week and all because of one little procedure. Of course I'm a bit harder on myself than I really should be but...oh well!

So update. Last Friday, I had what's known as a laproscopy and hysteroscopy. For those of you who don't know, the laproscopy requires they cut a hole in my belly button and stick a little camera and laser thing in there and scope around my innards looking for stuff. Same with the hysteroscopy. The report? Well the doc found a lot of endometriosis. I'm not sure how much entirely because I have yet to talk to him and mom and Andrew only spoke with him for a few short moments. All I know is the doc was surprised at how much he found for someone as young as me. (Awww I'm still young - even if I feel about 60!) So what does this mean? Well the doc lasered as much out as he could get to, and they have given me drugs that will put me into a short menopause for two months. The combination of these two things should kill every last bit of it. Then after that, God willing, our next little one should stick and you won't have to deal with any more of my lamenting posts!

So I'm not entirely surprised with this, seeing as how I have such a family history of it. And had you asked me earlier this week what I thought, I would have told you I was angry. And I was then. Not sure about what, maybe that they actually found something and it just proved how deficient I really was. I honestly can't tell you. But my wonderful husband pointed out to me that at least they found something that can be corrected! It's fixable. Of course this greatly increases my chances of NOT making it to a natural menopause, but in terms of having children, it's fixable. So I thank God for that. And I will rely on Him to see to my future. Anyway, right now I feel very optimistic and positive and excited. It's been this way for the last few days. So I'll take it!

Oh! Doc also said the endo was probably causing all of my tummy and back aches through out the years. Joy! That means I should be feeling like a completely NEW person, physically, once I have healed completely from the surgery. (Still waiting for my body to say it's done giving me trouble with the whole healing bit).

And on another completely different topic - Andrew interviewed for a few para educator positions here in town. These are all part time, non certified positions, but we feel that this would be a good way to get his name known in the schools and lead, fairly quickly, to a contracted position. So it looks very good on both of them so far! Looks like he may have to make a choice over which one to actually take! :-D

Things you don't know about me

I got to thinking the other day (I know, I probably shouldn’t think) about who I used to be and who I am now. And that got me thinking about the reasons why. So – what don’t you know about me.

1. Shy – I’m really not shy and introverted. I used to be very extroverted, outgoing. I never had a problem walking up to a total stranger and beginning a conversation. My mother has told me stories of being a precocious 3 year old walking up to individuals who smoked and told them “you’re gonna die.” I was constantly involved in activities that brought me into contact with large groups of people. I was always talking with someone about something, whether it is with notes passed in class or conversations in the hallways. Nowadays – I tend to prefer to stay in my house and read. I don’t talk much; I sit back and listen to others. I’m involved in many activities, but I don’t participate much on a verbal level outside of discussing the task on hand. The reason? Complete and utter lack of self-esteem. Which leads me to reason number 2.
2. Extremely self confident – at least this is how I appear to the world at large. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been described as confident when in fact, this is the furthest thing from the truth. If there were a scale to measure my self-esteem, I wouldn’t even be ON the chart. In fact, you’d have to develop a negative self-esteem chart just to be able to chart me. Why? To be honest, I’m not sure. Things happened during my college years that just knocked me on my butt. And while I got back up when they happened, I think they took a piece out of me that I’ve never been able to get back. And as life progressed and I entered the adult world – more things happened that convinced me even further of my lack of self worth and it’s a vicious cycle that once you are in – I’m not sure how to get out of.
3. I speak up – I used to anyway. If I did not agree with something, I told you so in no uncertain terms. Either by words or deeds. In fact, I attended the Catholic youth group in high school because of the contention of the Protestant youth group that the Catholics were going to hell and so was I because I drank alcohol and hugged (HUGGED) boys. Now that raised some eyebrows – the Protestant head chaplain’s daughter attending the Catholic youth group. I believe my dad was questioned about that even. Now, not so much. If I am questioned directly – I’ll probably not be able to help myself and will speak up – as long as I’m not in a group setting. If I’m in a group, I find it very hard to share, or even say anything at all. I think this relates to the lack of self-esteem, as I usually feel that I have nothing of value to offer the conversation or the decision making, so I stay mum.
4. I am not my own worst enemy – uhh NOT. No one is harder on myself than, well myself. I critique everything I do with a fine tooth comb and constantly find myself wanting. No one could live up to the standards I set for myself. Talk about setting yourself up to fail – since I could never meet my own standards I often don’t even try. Then beat myself up for not meeting my standards. Because of this, I can’t stand to be nit picked. Nit picking drives me to distraction and is positively the BEST way to push a hot button of mine and cause a most interesting reaction. Thankfully, so far, the only time I have been nit picked recently has been electronically so no one ever sees the reaction.

I think that *may* be it, although I’m not entirely sure. This is all I can think of tonight anyway. Besides, 698 words is a long enough post, you probably don’t really want to read anymore.

Random thought

Ok. I must be ill. I'm sitting here relaxing after cleaning my house after having some friends over for dinner and a very productive meeting to determine the new church's "bylaws" and suddenly a thought enters my head. It's more like an urge to go do something. And that something is...travel. I suddenly felt a strong desire to fly somewhere other than home. I will repeat myself. I must be ill. :-D