It sneaks up on you in ways you never expected.
I thought I was ok. I thought, hey, I even was able to go back and look at "on this day memories." I got this. This October will be different.
But it isn't. Will it ever be? Isn't 8 years enough?
How do I know it's here? It dawned on me today. I've been feeling stressed. Overwhelmed. Anti-social. I thought it was just because we've been working 7 days a week. Between 3 businesses and children, I thought I was just tired.
Nope. That overwhelming, anxiety filled, you-just-aren't-good-enough-never-will-be mantra that surfaces every year at this time. It always feels the same. Most of the year, I can keep it at bay. But October? October is a lost cause.
I still don't know that I can read my blog posts from then. Hopefully, some day she will. Hopefully someone will stumble upon them and read the story of an amazing little girl did. And it will give her hope. And I will be glad that those memories are stored somewhere. Even if I can't manage to deal with them.
October sucks. Prematurity sucks. PTSD sucks.
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