Thursday, April 28, 2011

More time

I needed more time. Elisa needed more time.

Tonight I came across two songs. Both of which struck a chord as a preemie mom. One was actually about the artists preemie. Another, was simply lamenting how things didn't go as they wanted them to.

"I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside"

As I was listening to it, I could see myself looking at her in that isolette, and telling her "I'm sorry." And her telling me "It will be ok."

And then there is this one. The one actually written about the artists preemie.

One line is the artists child talking to him:

"I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes, you'll be alright."

And it struck me. The entire 6 weeks we were in the NICU, it wasn't me telling Elisa it will be ok. We'll get through this. You'll see. Just wait. Just a little bit more. You'll be ok.

In fact...SHE told ME. Through the fleeting smiles she would give when she felt me walk into the room. Through the snuggling down on me during kangaroo care. For the sheer amount of love shining in her eyes when she looked at me. The way she would scoot to the side of the isolette that I was sitting on. It didn't matter what side she started on, within 30 minutes, she had scooted herself over to my side to be as close to me as possible.

Even after she choked. Turned blue. And I thought she was going to die. Even then, she told me she'd be alright. She fought back. She amazed the doctors with her tenacity. Her "go-getter-ness." She never thought she was a preemie and early. She thought she was just little, and she should be able to do everything any other baby should do at that age.

And as she's grown, she's continued to tell me. I may not always listen. I may still worry. But she keeps telling me.

I was supposed to be the one comforting her. Instead she comforted me. I was supposed to be her strength. Instead, she gave me strength.

See, ma? I'm ok. It's ok.

I continue to be impressed by her strength. I love you baby girl. And some day I hope to be strong enough to comfort you.


Tiff said...

Isn't it amazing how those teeny tiny babies manage to scoot around those isolettes! The first time Lily did it, I freaked& got her nurse!

These babies "get IT!" They know what fighting is, and that anything is possible!

Michelle said...

Her little grin is just so cute!

Appleriko said...

She is such a strong girl and blessed! I'm so excited for her future. I don't know how premee mothers feel about their children but I know how grateful they feel when their children stay so strong!!
Also I am happy to know that you have a great support system. God is Good!

You know, Robert was a premee. He was very very very little. maybe you can ask about it to his mom. And look how he turned out.. my husband!! It's A HOPE for premee mothers, too. :))

Brook Parker said...

I love this post, and I love the songs you posted. I think one of my favorite pics you've ever posted of her is the last one, she has such a beautiful smile.