Monday, May 2, 2016

Let it go?

Why is it so hard to just "let it go?"  The hypervigilence, the ever watchful eye on my oldest and her growth and development?

Why do three little words hold so much power over my emotions?

Would it be irresponsible of me to stop being so aware of her health and her development?

Is this just a side effect of her premature birth?  Or is this a normal "mom" thing?

This last weekend, I was trying to explain why it was so hard to let go of the hypervigilence I have when it comes to Elisa and her growth and development.  When she's doing so well now, 6 years later.

And think of it this way.  When you have a baby in the NICU, every morning you are greeted with a status report from the doctors after they round.  And every morning for us we were greeted with "She's doing great, but....."

And that but was always followed with some THING we still had to keep an eye out for.  That still could potentially befall her.  That she was healthy now, but things could change in the blink of an eye.

I know my preemie moms understand this.

Even when we were released, we were told how great she had done....but was given a list of things to look out for.  And avoid.  As it could mean life or death to her.

Think of the imprint that leaves on a person?  Walking out, finally after all those weeks with your baby.  Thinking, finally life will become "normal."  Only to be left with that "but" hanging over your head.

And 6 years later, I'm still waiting for that "but."  Is it safe to let go of that but now?  Is it irresponsible of me to let it go?

And I truly am looking for feed back on that.  Is it irresponsible of me to let that "but" go?  To take my eyes off of it and try to find some sort of peace from the fear that this is all a dream?  And too "good" to be true?  That she could have come out of this experience with no long lasting effects? 

Can I finally let myself off the hook?

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