Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Stronger
Yesterday was a day full of triggers.
I have no idea why. There was nothing even remotely associated with the NICU or anything yesterday that would cause this random day. But it seemed anything and everything triggered that pit in the bottom of my stomach and the feeling of just wanting to puke my guts out.
Regis and Kelly (although I think it's just Kelly now), the sight of the hospital Elisa was to be born in, the smell of the hospital where I went to visit the NICU I'm volunteering in. And the smell of the soap. The freaking scent of that soap that stayed on my hands after I washed them and it took everything in me not to claw the skin off of my hands just to get that smell off of them. What could I do, I had to wash my hands? Don't know that I would have trusted just the hand sanitizer I had in my purse since it's a spray on. But man, that soap was like a fire on my hands and I just wanted it OFF.
On the way to the NICU though, I was listening to the song "Stronger" by Mandisa. Now the song itself is really speaking to the "letting go and letting God" message when bad things happen, but there is a stanza in that said:
"He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger"
Gonna make you stronger.
Haven't we all said this or something similar at some point to someone when they were going through a tough time?
When I heard this, yesterday though, all I could think of was dangit, I didn't want to be made stronger. I could have gone the rest of my life in my ignorance and weakness, not having known a darn thing about any of this.
Don't know that I will ever use that line as a way to console someone going through a significant event in their life. It's the last thing they, at least I, would want to hear.
I have no idea why. There was nothing even remotely associated with the NICU or anything yesterday that would cause this random day. But it seemed anything and everything triggered that pit in the bottom of my stomach and the feeling of just wanting to puke my guts out.
Regis and Kelly (although I think it's just Kelly now), the sight of the hospital Elisa was to be born in, the smell of the hospital where I went to visit the NICU I'm volunteering in. And the smell of the soap. The freaking scent of that soap that stayed on my hands after I washed them and it took everything in me not to claw the skin off of my hands just to get that smell off of them. What could I do, I had to wash my hands? Don't know that I would have trusted just the hand sanitizer I had in my purse since it's a spray on. But man, that soap was like a fire on my hands and I just wanted it OFF.
On the way to the NICU though, I was listening to the song "Stronger" by Mandisa. Now the song itself is really speaking to the "letting go and letting God" message when bad things happen, but there is a stanza in that said:
"He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger"
Gonna make you stronger.
Haven't we all said this or something similar at some point to someone when they were going through a tough time?
When I heard this, yesterday though, all I could think of was dangit, I didn't want to be made stronger. I could have gone the rest of my life in my ignorance and weakness, not having known a darn thing about any of this.
Don't know that I will ever use that line as a way to console someone going through a significant event in their life. It's the last thing they, at least I, would want to hear.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Three years ago
I was just approaching that 10 week mark in my pregnancy and had just found out that my chances of losing this one too were slim. I was just starting to realize that this time, this time my dream had just gotten THAT much closer to becoming a reality.
Little did I know, then, that in 16 short weeks that dream would become perilously close to ending. And 19 weeks later I would meet the most amazing little girl I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.
From day 1 she showed us what she was made of.
Stubbornness.
Tenacity.
Perseverance.
And full of personality.
It continues today.
I love you baby girl. Even though you show your "stinkerish" ways so often these days. Even as you become more and more that typical terrible two year old, your personality keeps me laughing. Your silly conversations keep a smile on my face.
I will never ever regret you.
You are my miracle. You were then and you still are.
Stubbornness.
Tenacity.
Perseverance.
And full of personality.
I will never ever regret you.
You are my miracle. You were then and you still are.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Wordless Wednesday
Ok. Some words because this photo requires a caption.
I took this because it dawned on me (visually) that Aidan is the size Elisa was at a year. Well, slightly bigger.
Brings it home just how MUCH she's grown.
I took this because it dawned on me (visually) that Aidan is the size Elisa was at a year. Well, slightly bigger.
Brings it home just how MUCH she's grown.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Jay Jay the Jet Plane
This child has loved music since she was in utero.
No surprise that she can remember almost whole jingles to some of her favorite shows. And one of her favorites is Jay Jay the Jet Plane (surprise? Airplanes? Never!)
Last night I got her on video. And to think, this child was once considered "delayed" in speech.
hahhah. Love the harmonies she's pulling out of there lol! :)
No surprise that she can remember almost whole jingles to some of her favorite shows. And one of her favorites is Jay Jay the Jet Plane (surprise? Airplanes? Never!)
Last night I got her on video. And to think, this child was once considered "delayed" in speech.
hahhah. Love the harmonies she's pulling out of there lol! :)
Friday, June 8, 2012
6 months in pictures
Stole the idea of the months in pictures from a friend. Going to do this again at a year!
6 months ago today, I woke up thrilled because I'd finally made it to that elusive 37 weeks but looking forward to 2 more weeks of pregnancy. Little did I know that someone had other ideas and made his appearance that evening after a rather eventful day. He just wanted a story to tell like his sister.
6 month stats:
17 lb 11 oz (54th %)
28 1/4 inches (95th %)
17 1/2 inch (head - 71st %)
6 months ago today, I woke up thrilled because I'd finally made it to that elusive 37 weeks but looking forward to 2 more weeks of pregnancy. Little did I know that someone had other ideas and made his appearance that evening after a rather eventful day. He just wanted a story to tell like his sister.
6 month stats:
17 lb 11 oz (54th %)
28 1/4 inches (95th %)
17 1/2 inch (head - 71st %)
December
January
February
March
April
May
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Living in the "Shaky" place
A friend of mine posted this on her blog. It's a blog from another preemie mother and describes her experience with PTSD after the birth of her preemie.
Now, my PTSD is no where near as extreme as hers. Thankfully. However, it does give insight into the trauma one can and does experience with a preemie.
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/02/living-in-the-shaky-place/252630/
I like how she says:
I'm still swimming---but I'm not drowning.
Now, my PTSD is no where near as extreme as hers. Thankfully. However, it does give insight into the trauma one can and does experience with a preemie.
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/02/living-in-the-shaky-place/252630/
I like how she says:
"I'm still swimming -- but I'm not drowning. And though I know once I
hit shore I'll be pretty far away from where I'm started, I feel OK
about that. I'm not the same person I was before and I don't think, if
given a choice, I would want to be."
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