Really, it's all good.

So I've noticed something recently.  Don't know why I didn't notice this before, but it's suddenly hit me.  And I've heard this before from other women who have struggled with fertility problems.  But it's the "conversation." Them: "So, how long have you been married?" Me: "Coming up on 5 years."  Them: "Any kids yet?" Me: "Uh no."  Them: "Oh well you're young, there's plenty of time."  !?!?!  And meanwhile, internally, I'm thinking, it ain't for lack of trying! Why is it that the immediate assumption when people find out you've been married for several years is, oh there should be kids?  It just makes me want to cry, because it's not like we haven't been trying, for the past 10 months anyway.  It's not like I haven't managed two pregnancies, but my incompetent body won't allow me to keep them past 5 weeks 3 days.  And no, there is NOT plenty of times.  If I am having these problems at the young age of 28, where the heck do you think I'll be at 30 or 32 or older?  In terms of fertility, at 28 I'm already well past the "prime." 

I already feel like a failure since it seems like something that should be natural and easy to obtain is impossible for me.  I mean what is the point of all this crap that I, as a woman, must go through if I'm not going to be able to carry a child to full term?  And why for goodness sakes, did I worry about birth control for those first years of my marriage?!  Not like it would have mattered, since my body is just a useless piece of crap.

The tone of this may sound angry.  You wouldn't be too far off the mark.  I am angry.  I cover it well.  You would never know it by looking at me or talking to me.  You ask how I'm doing, I'm going to say fine, good, whatever is the proper response.  But walk one day in my shoes, holding a brand new baby and fighting back the tears knowing that it should have been yours in your arms.  Watching your husband hold that baby and just the delight in his eyes and on his face, and knowing that you will have to fight with every ounce of your being to provide that for him and rely on the medical profession to make it possible for you.  Me?  Rely on anyone other than myself and my  God?  Never say so.

Maybe that's my struggle.  Realizing that I can't do this, that my imperfect body will never allow it.  Statistics may say that I do not have that much greater of a risk of miscarrying a third time as I did a second time.  I'd rather not try to prove those statistics right or wrong.  I can't take a third loss.

Constant bruises?

Ok so I'm not sure this whole taking one baby aspirin a day to "thin" my blood is entirely the thing I need to be doing. I've noticed since I began this regimen that I now am bruising very very easily. For example, I now have a bruise around my arm where my watch usually sits. What is up with that? I don't think that is normal. Not only that, but I have 4 or 5 small bruises (about the size of a finger tip) on my arms and legs, but I don't remember running into anything or being hit with anything or grabbed roughly? And the one place I did get smacked good, I have no bruise, just a goose egg type bump that is to this day, still very sore.

On another note, looks like I may have a deck when I get home! I am currently traveling in Las Vegas for work and Andrew and my dad are working feverishly to build our deck for our backyard and the phone call from my mother today indicated that they have the majority of it done! So I'm looking forward to getting home and seeing my new outdoor space. Now if only I could have some grass....and a fence! :)

Grumpy

Wow, so I'm apparently grumpy, lol. Must be leftover hormones or something, I dunno. Reading over last nights post, I have to learn to not just let my mind go in my writing. :-D

Frustration

Ok so I think I've had enough of being kicked when I am down. Ever feel like the world is just out to get you? Ever get to the point that enough is enough? Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and not get out. I am so exhausted and I'm tired of being exhausted!

So anyway. It's been a weekend. First, Andrew is driving around doing his vending last Thursday when the overdrive light comes on. He takes it to be looked at and is told the transmission is failing and it's only a matter of time, and by the way, it's $1800 to repair it. Now some of you may not know, but Andrew's truck is a 98 Ford Explorer that has seen better days. It's been wrecked at least 4 times, one of those was a roll over that salvaged it. It has 170,000 miles on it and we were only keeping it until the wheels fell off. We always planned on buying Andrew something a little better for when he began teaching. We did NOT want to fix it now. So what to do.

While we were still contemplating that, we had the carpet people at the house to fix the carpet in the basement as it had started bunching up in areas. While doing that, we discovered that our basement is now leaking in a different area than ever before! So we piled dirt around the foundation hoping that would fix the problem before it rained again that night. And the result? More water. What next?!

Well then Sunday, we are returning home from church in the truck, driving up the hill on Noland Road and what happens? You got it. The transmission fails completely. We can't go forward, backwards, nothing. We are stuck in the middle of the road on a big hill. We are finally able to go backwards (thanks to gravity) and get the truck off the road and get a tow home. So now we are forced to buy a vehicle NOW. We had hoped we had at least a month. So we search, we scramble, and we stumble upon a 96 Explorer with less miles for a price we are willing to pay. We test drive, we decide to buy.

I have to work from home on Monday to leave Andrew access to a vehicle to take care of the car purchasing. And then...our power goes out AGAIN. For the 10th time since Memorial Day. At 830 in the morning as I'm in the middle of composing an e-mail. Now I'm dead in the water for work if I don't have e-mail/internet access. There isn't much I can do. So, unshowered, I get a ride over to my parents to work from there.

Tuesday, my doctors appointment with our fertility specialist. While I was mostly excited about it, I wasn't sure what to expect. And I get there, and well, it doesn't start out well. The doctor begins by lecturing me on not having a D&C on both of my miscarriages. I explain my reasons (being that a D&C is an abortion..but my baby's were already dead) and he proceeds to tell me that I never had a baby, it was only a mass of cells. Well at this point I'm almost crying. I simply respond with "It was a baby to me." He shut up about it, I dropped it and we moved on to the rest. Turns out he feels my eggs are probably not good quality, hence the low progesterone I keep experiencing. And he wants to test me for endometriosis and look at my other bits to make sure nothing there is bad. Which is good, because he doesn't want me to get pregnant again, only to loose that baby as well. He seems to think that my stomach issues could actually be caused by endo and not ibs or collitis as was thought.

So here I am, wondering what God's plan is for me. Wishing sometimes I could see things from His point of view. Wondering why He feels so far away right now. Wondering why I feel so disconnected from Him. Where have I gone wrong? Have I gone wrong? Is this just a test? Is this like Job, where in fact God has so much faith in my faith in Him that He knows I can handle this? In reality, things are not that bad. They just feel bad. Because there seems to be no end, and no hope. Everything seems to be such a battle. Everything is a fight. I don't know where I'm going or where this road will take me. And the uncertainty is making me nuts.

Thick blood

Check it out. Does this not sound like me or what?

http://www.jigsawhealth.com/articles/thick-blood.html

Can explain my history of stomach issues, eh???

Late May update :)

Wow ok so a month has gone by. I know I haven't posted. But what a crazy month it has been. And unfortunately, nothing I have to report is good news. I don't know how else to say it. I'm trying to see positive in everything, but sometimes it just gets hard.

So, Andrew is constantly on the patrol for a teaching position. He has applied in many places and has had several interviews. Unfortunately, we haven't heard back from 1 (it was a prelim interview almost 2 months ago and principals were supposed to start calling from that list!) and the other two decided on other candidates. So he decided to look into his interview skills and went to a few coaches and has done gobs of research on line. So he's well versed in interviewing now! Please pray for us that he finds the right position for him. We are a bit frustrated as it seems like this is just harder than we thought it would be.

Then on top of that, Andrew was driving around in his truck the last few days and suddenly some error lights started popping up. As they didn't go away, he decided to have someone take a look at it. And lo and behold, at the ripe old age of 10 years with 170k miles on the truck, looks like the transmission is failing. Joy oh joy. We were kind of hoping to drive the wheels (literally) off of the thing. It's been a great truck, but now we are stuck with the possibility of finding something to replace it with and that's just a bit disheartening.

And last but not least, we are sad to report that we have recently suffered our second miscarraige. BUT on the positive side of this, I am finally going to get the medical attention I should have. So far, they have run a battery of tests and referred me to a fertility specialist. From the tests they have run so far, they find that I have a higher than normal number of cardiolipids. My understanding (although I have been unable to verify this by googling. Google has failed me on this one!!) is that my blood clots too much and is probably "thick" and this can lead to miscarraiges. I don't quite understand how, but I hope to get more information next week at my first specialist appointment.

Well I guess one thing that is good news, is we had a great visitor in May. Well two. My Aunt Karen from Michigan and her friend Katrine came and we hung out and had a great time playing Nintendo Wii. My Uncle David came and along with Andrew and my father, built a new railing for our poor dilapidated steps up to the front door. It looks just wonderful. And Andrew and I decided to buy a Wii, as we have figured we do not spend enough "fun" time just goofing off and relaxing and playing. So, we thought a Wii would be a good way. Get the sports/competitive side for Andrew and in a way that I even enjoy playing!

Well, am waiting to board another airplane to head home. Hopefully I'll have more news to report, but good news soon!