It's been a hot minute.
But yesterday, my therapist asked me if I had given any thought to writing for myself again.
You see, I've been feeling very burned out. There are no words. Heck, I can't even find words to say what is in my head. Writing has been so hard. But in listening to some Taylor Swift this morning, there are some phrases that stuck out to me.
"… The who's who of "Who's that?" is poised for the attackBut my bare hands paved their pathsYou don't get to tell me about sad
… If you wanted me dead, you should've just said" ~Who's Afraid of Little Old Me
It's been a bit like whack a mole around here lately. One problem pops up, you whack it back down and before you even have a a moment to catch your breath the next one emerges. From not so unexpected diagnoses to regressions in eating disorder behaviors. From malnourishment (again) to massive weight gain and growth and then back down. From sick and dying family members to the death of beloved pets.
And yet, one thing I've always said about myself is that there is an internal strength that drives me. I can always go on and do what needs to be done even when I do not know where I am going to find the strength any more. It's like the imagery of "I Can Do It With a Broken Heart,"
"'Cause I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shitThey said, "Babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" and I didLights, camera, bitch smile, even when you wanna dieHe said he'd love me all his lifeBut that life was too shortBreaking down, I hit the floorAll the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting, "More"I was grinning like I'm winning, I was hitting my marks'Cause I can do it with a broken heart (one, two, three, four)"
Wash, rinse, repeat.
Andrew and I have been doing a lot of reading about the power of positivity and gratitude and there is real truth to that. And I'm trying to be thankful, even if what I am thankful for is that school is back in session so I can finally tame some parts of the house and day. And not only that, but blessed space and the opportunity to rest from the constant energy of just being around other people, no matter how much I love them.
One of my absolute favorite songs right now is "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me." Partly because it speaks to the events that brought the mama bear beast out.
"… Is it a wonder I broke? Let's hear one more jokeThen we could all just laugh until I cry
… So I leap from the gallows and I levitate down your streetCrash the party like a record scratch as I scream"Who's afraid of little old me?"
I was tame, I was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean"Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth"
Who's afraid of little old me?
Well, you should be"
