Fight Like Hell

This morning, as I reflected on how my son refused to finish his breakfast because his game was more important than his food so I simply shut down his device until his breakfast was consumed.  And he screamed, and yelled, and told me all about how mean of a mom I was and how I was going to make him lose all progress he had made in his game and how it would be all my fault.  And my only response was to shrug my shoulders and reply how food was more important and if he lost all progress then it was his fault for choosing his game over his food.

And as memes and hashtags rolled through my mind, hashtags such as #cleanyourplate #meanmomandilikeit #eatyourfood #allyourfood #andlickitclean stood out and I had the idea to google some memes to go with it.  What I came across was striking, and made me realize just how much my view of food has changed over these last few years.

Most of them had to do with the perception that if you overeat, you will become fat.  A few even characterized a grandmother spoon feeding an adult even though she was full and couldn't clean her plate.  Cleaning your plate seems to have become akin to becoming obese.  And there is no denying that overeating can lead to obesity, but calories have their place in our diets.  And a very important one for our children.

Another that I came across, showing a rabbit surrounded by carrots with the directive to clean your plate, at first caused me to chuckle.  But then I had another realization.

To my oldest child, every plate of food is as overwhelming as this meme.  Regardless of the food placed on it, to her, that plate is overwhelming.

I don't know that this is true for all ARFID sufferers, as I feel she leans much more heavily towards full avoidance and restriction of all foods, not just certain textures or classes of foods, and her disorder leans more towards anorexia than just simple fear of getting sick.  Which explains why the traditional anorexia therapy has been successful for her, because it's not the type of food that she's afraid of but all food in general.

I see many comments and themes thrown around social media about how you can't force a kid to eat.  That kids will eat as much as they want, and some days more than others.  And that if a kid doesn't eat what is served, don't substitute and serve it again.  That if they are hungry, they will eat it.

But what if they literally are not hungry?  What if that instinctive drive misfired, and their brain told them that they actually are not hungry?  I still struggle with a feeling of judgement over the fact that yes, my children are required to eat every bite they are served.  That they do not get the choice of what, when or how much to eat.  And that yes, you can actually coerce a child into eating by making the alternative to not eating more painful than the eating.  That the fact that these tactics are what I have to use in order to ensure my child lives and grows.  That I have shed many tears as I hugged my child who is screaming at me that I'm killing her, hurting her and why do I want her to die when she is presented with food.  Who has hit, kicked, bit.  That I still avoid social events including food because no one wants to see that ugly.  That I have stood there holding back tears while I swore to myself that as long as I was living, ED will not have my daughter.

Scrolling through my Facebook profile pictures, I came across this one from a few years ago.  It so accurately describes where we are now.

I have had to fight like hell, and fighting like hell has made me who I am.

I didn't want to be strong.  I just wanted to be.  But I will embrace the suck and just as prematurity found out, I will fight like hell and ED has picked the wrong girl to attack.