This article that I shared before has been running circles in my head lately.
Even 10 years later, even as she has fought eating disorders and anxiety and has come back to me and thrived. And is no longer in danger of hospitalization and death, I still find her birthday, and the days leading up to it, difficult.
And not difficult like they were in the first few years, where I would randomly cry at nothing and had no idea why I was. Where I was agitated and annoyed at everything and just wanted to climb into a dark hole where no one could find me. Where flashbacks would take over and at times I would find myself unsure of what year I was in and what was really my current reality.
The flashbacks and tears are gone. I can read my blogs from those days where before I couldn't even look at them. I can look back and see the good and face the ugly. But I can't escape the unrelenting anxiety that these days leading up to her birthday bring. And I'm tired of it. I truly am. Even knowing of it, it took me a while to recognize my current physical symptoms and irritation as that ever-present anxiety overtaking my mind, and even knowing that is what it is, am powerless to move myself out of it.
I feel like these words from the author of this article sum up 100% what I am feeling and what life is like after experiencing a more complex trauma - "For someone dealing with complex trauma, the anxiety they feel does not come from some mysterious unknown source or obsessing about what could happen. For many, the anxiety they feel is not rational. General anxiety can often be calmed with grounding techniques and reminders of what is real and true. Mindfulness techniques can help. Even when they feel disconnected, anxious people can often acknowledge they are loved and supported by others.
For those who have experienced trauma, anxiety comes from an automatic physiological response to what has actually, already happened. The brain and body have already lived through “worst case scenario” situations, know what it feels like and are hell-bent on never going back there again. The fight/flight/ freeze response goes into overdrive. It’s like living with a fire alarm that goes off at random intervals 24 hours a day. It is extremely difficult for the rational brain to be convinced “that won’t happen,” because it already knows that it has happened, and it was horrific.
Those living with generalized anxiety often live in fear of the future. Those with complex trauma fear the future because of the past."
Part of the complication comes from the fact that the moment I finally let go of the fear that the other shoe, that I kept waiting to drop, wasn't going to...it actually did. And so fiercely and profoundly that I was again in that place of fighting for my child's LIFE. And I still do fear for her life. I know the complexities of the disorders she is dealing with and the risks to her mental health as she grows. I know some of these habits she is developing now to deal with her anxiety can turn into more harmful ones in the future. Telling myself that those chances are slim to none doesn't help, because honestly, I have been on the receiving end of those "slim to none" chances several times with this child. Again, the inability of the brain of a person who has experienced complex trauma to be convinced that it "won't happen" because it already knows it HAS happened.
I don't put this out there for justification or pity me plea's. I swore from the moment that pregnancy turned from ok to not ok that if I did anything out of this situation, I would work to give others hope that it could be ok - and normalize the very real feelings they had throughout this traumatic process.
This is real. This is life after a trauma. I do not cause this, nor can I control it but I fight it day in and day out. And if there are ever times I disengage, it's not because I'm angry at you or arrogant or any other negative emotion, it is simply because I need to reset and remove myself from the sensory overload that is life. I will reengage. I don't expect people to understand it who haven't lived it. I just hope to make others aware. #removethestigma surrounding mental illness.
