Blue?

***Wow...while looking through and cleaning out some things on blogger, I found this post that I started, but never finished, on November 15, 2009. I'm not sure why I never posted this. Maybe I didn't ever want to remember it or memorialize it. It was one of the most traumatic experiences I had while in the NICU and forever colored my fear of spit up and reflux. I never finished it. I probably couldn't. Long story short, the nurse came and suctioned her and she recovered. Obviously. Since she's here. Her oxygen saturation was down into the 50s and I still remember her eyes begging me to help her as she couldn't breathe. Thank goodness for that nurse and her skills who saved my little girls life that day. That was the closest I ever came to losing her. I'm not going to finish it now as it is just another step in our journey. Maybe my ability to actually read this and post it now is somehow indicative that healing may finally be taking place in small steps.***

Originally written 11/15/09

Is not my favorite color, nor does it look good on Elisa. Elisa, for some reason, felt that she would test the strength of both my love for her and my heart yesterday. The day started off well with a virtual meeting with Grandpa and Grandma King. Elisa dosed through the call while she was getting her feed. They had just increased her feed from 27 ml every three hours to 28 ml. I put her up around 12:30, 30 minutes after she finished feeding and went for lunch. We came back around 1:15 to find another pump as I wanted to kangaroo with her at her 2:00 feeding. I can't remember if I had found a pump and was sitting down getting it ready, or what, but I do remember the monitor going off showing she was having another brady. As was my custom, I watched the monitor to see if she would recover herself. When the brady continued and she didn't recover, I stood up to see what was going on, and noticed that she had spit up a LOT.

At this point, I still wasn't worried. She'd spit up before. So I opened up the isolette and took the little bulb thing to try to clear her mouth out. She still wouldn't recover. At this point, the nurse came in. It must have only been 2-3 seconds, but felt like forever.