Letters to our daughters - November 17, 2013

Dear E,

I wrote this the night before your big day.

4 years ago, I was going to sleep, back in labor and delivery and back on the mag. But I still had hope. Hope for another day to 32 (my 2nd goal, the first being making 28 weeks.) Little did I know what tomorrow held. But I somehow knew it would be ok.

I still don't know what tomorrow holds, but one little girl showed me what I could do. So today, I go to bed with a 3 year old. Streamers are hung, tickets are printed, cakes are baked. And despite the memories that will always creep in, I'm ready to celebrate one amazing, tenacious, stubborn, smart, beautiful, miracle baby girl.

Sometimes it's really hard to believe you are 4.  Four!  Where did the years go?  It seems like just yesterday we were sitting at your bedside, terrified for what the future held.

You are starting to finally seem to "get" what birthday's are about now, so we wanted to celebrate it in a "big" way.

Sometimes I feel so guilty, that I can't seem to separate the trauma of your birth from the desire to  celebrate it.  I want to celebrate it, for you deserve to be celebrated.  But while the pain may fade, the memories never will.  I hope you know, that even with that, I do not regret you.  I regret the circumstances in which you were born.  But I do not regret YOU.

So we set out to celebrate.  I hope the day was filled with memories.  Of trains.  Of animals.  Of family.  We certainly had fun spending the time with you.

For the record, (since this is my virtual baby book :-D) you finally reached 30 lbs.  You are rocking it in pre-school...even if you are a bit stubborn with showing that off to mom and dad.

Every day is a blessing with you.  Even when you make us crazy.

Love you baby girl.

Check out Kristin's letter to her baby girl.  And some awesome photography as well.  :)  

The "Imperfection Pledge"

I am imperfect and I am good enough

Remind yourself of this each and every day.  No one is perfect.  Be true to yourself.

Not so Wordless Wednesday

Love this kid to pieces.

Oh...and for the record, this chunk now outweighs his sister at 22 months.  29 lbs 12oz compared to his sister's 29 lb 8oz.  I was very proud of myself for NOT getting upset over being told my former 29 weeker is still considered underweight and we need to get her fattened up.  I am no longer concerned about her weight.  She's on her curve.  She is just thin and tall.  Anyone who wants to tell me otherwise can go away.  :)

Letters to Our Daughter - October 15, 2013

Dear E,

More than words.

I love you, more than words can ever express.

I find it so hard to believe we are approaching 4 years since you suddenly appeared in our life.

You've shown since day 1 that you believe you are in control.

You remind me every day that you think so.  Just today we had a verbal battle over just where the pumpkin was to be placed.  You finally felt like you "won" when you turned him around to face the other way.  And you had the last word.

Yes.  We fought over a pumpkin.  And I'm sure this isn't the first time we will fight over something so trivial.

Our days ahead will be difficult too.  Life is hard.  It throws you curve balls, pulls the rug out from under you, hands you lemons, whatever phrase you want to use.

But it's beautiful.

And you are a fighter.  You've proved it.  Every single day of your life.  I love how you were so intent on getting up that slide today.  How you kept going at it different ways.  How you wouldn't give up.  You finally made it.

Never give up, baby girl.  I'll never give up on you.

Check out  Jennifer's  letter to her beautiful girl:
http://www.surroundedbysmaylets.com/2013/10/15/letters-to-our-daughters-october/

October 9, 2009

Saw this on LinkedIn today:  "I thank God I didn't get what I thought I deserved, as bad as it hurt as bad as it was...sometimes there's good in goodbye" ~Carrie Underwood

And I was doing great with today.  In fact, I didn't even really realize that today was approaching with all that I've been up to lately.  I was aware it was coming, but I didn't really place any energy or thought into it.

Today was the day, 4 years ago at just 26 weeks and 3 days pregnant I got on an airplane to go to a hotel and landed in a hospital.  To this day, I will always replace the word "hotel" with "hospital."  It's rather amusing to see the blank looks on people's faces when I casually state that I'm "going back to the hospital" without immediately realizing my mistake.

I made the mistake of going back on my Facebook page and reading my timeline from everything that occurred that month.  The good thing is I actually READ it.  I've tried many times to go back and look at it only to just chicken out or tear up at just moving my cursor to the date.  But I actually clicked that button and read the posts.  And I did tear up at the outpouring of love I saw on it.  I don't remember that.  I don't remember the majority of those posts that people put on my page, sending their love and their prayers and their support.  So my tears are partially tears of joy, but I can't lie and say that the heartache isn't there as well.

Overall, looking back over these last 4 years, from the day my life irrevocably changed and I am no longer the person I was then, there really is good in the goodbye.

Goodbye to the person I was.  Goodbye to the life I thought I should live.  Hello to the life I have, that I didn't even know I wanted.

Looking back

It's funny.

I sit here today and I feel like I am in two places in my mind.  Niggling at the back of my mind is the thought that the "countdown" begins today.  October, for the past 4 years, has been full of nothing but traumatic milestones, reminders, triggers.

And yet, this year has been one of the best of my life so far.  And those PTSD triggers have been significantly insignificant leading up to this month.  Even what little ones I get, like a text from my best preemie mom talking about NICU soap and how the smell bothers her and triggers her, reminds me of the smell.  And consequently makes me want to claw my hands off.  Even just the memory of the conversation makes my skin crawl.  But they don't last nearly as long.  Really are just a blip on the radar.

But you know, as I went back through my blog posts trying to see if I had posted anything on October 1, 2009 just to see what was going on in my mind then, I found this one.  And just had to giggle at the irony.  Little did I know just what was to come my way just a little over a week after this was written.

http://www.4kingz.blogspot.com/2009/09/thanks-kid.html

But the fact that I can read it,  let alone giggle at it, tells me just how far I have come.

Ahh the blessed passing of time.  Let the countdown begin.

A letter to my son

Dear A,

I wanted to write to you as there has been so much attention paid to your sister recently.

Call it mommy guilt maybe.  But sometimes I think your sister gets more than her fair share of the attention.  She's not only the first grandchild...but the first girl.  But I don't ever want you to think you aren't loved.  Because oh, you are.  So much.

Our beginning together wasn't so good.  I had a rather hard time adjusting to you in our lives.  I couldn't see YOU through the illness and your colic was so bad.  And I was just so sick.  I didn't know it at the time, but it's so obvious looking back at it now.

But as you grow...I've fallen so much in love with you.  That doesn't mean there aren't moments when you frustrate the heck out of me.  But oh, that love is so overwhelming that it makes up for it.

I love how you are finding your "voice."  And that tiny voice that comes out of such a "big" boy.  Saying "uh-oh" when a monster truck flips over, or mommy and daddy drop something.  Your excited exclamations of "mommy!" or "daddy!" when you see one.  Calling out "Eeda!" when you want your sisters attention.

You frequently hand out hugs, just for no reason.  You crawl into my lap just to be close to me.  You hold my hand while you walk.  You try to share your paci's, toys, food, with me.  You are ever so interested in my camera.  You are my little shadow and want to be wherever I am.

I love you baby boy, and I can't imagine my life without you.