Things you don't know about me

I got to thinking the other day (I know, I probably shouldn’t think) about who I used to be and who I am now. And that got me thinking about the reasons why. So – what don’t you know about me.

1. Shy – I’m really not shy and introverted. I used to be very extroverted, outgoing. I never had a problem walking up to a total stranger and beginning a conversation. My mother has told me stories of being a precocious 3 year old walking up to individuals who smoked and told them “you’re gonna die.” I was constantly involved in activities that brought me into contact with large groups of people. I was always talking with someone about something, whether it is with notes passed in class or conversations in the hallways. Nowadays – I tend to prefer to stay in my house and read. I don’t talk much; I sit back and listen to others. I’m involved in many activities, but I don’t participate much on a verbal level outside of discussing the task on hand. The reason? Complete and utter lack of self-esteem. Which leads me to reason number 2.
2. Extremely self confident – at least this is how I appear to the world at large. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been described as confident when in fact, this is the furthest thing from the truth. If there were a scale to measure my self-esteem, I wouldn’t even be ON the chart. In fact, you’d have to develop a negative self-esteem chart just to be able to chart me. Why? To be honest, I’m not sure. Things happened during my college years that just knocked me on my butt. And while I got back up when they happened, I think they took a piece out of me that I’ve never been able to get back. And as life progressed and I entered the adult world – more things happened that convinced me even further of my lack of self worth and it’s a vicious cycle that once you are in – I’m not sure how to get out of.
3. I speak up – I used to anyway. If I did not agree with something, I told you so in no uncertain terms. Either by words or deeds. In fact, I attended the Catholic youth group in high school because of the contention of the Protestant youth group that the Catholics were going to hell and so was I because I drank alcohol and hugged (HUGGED) boys. Now that raised some eyebrows – the Protestant head chaplain’s daughter attending the Catholic youth group. I believe my dad was questioned about that even. Now, not so much. If I am questioned directly – I’ll probably not be able to help myself and will speak up – as long as I’m not in a group setting. If I’m in a group, I find it very hard to share, or even say anything at all. I think this relates to the lack of self-esteem, as I usually feel that I have nothing of value to offer the conversation or the decision making, so I stay mum.
4. I am not my own worst enemy – uhh NOT. No one is harder on myself than, well myself. I critique everything I do with a fine tooth comb and constantly find myself wanting. No one could live up to the standards I set for myself. Talk about setting yourself up to fail – since I could never meet my own standards I often don’t even try. Then beat myself up for not meeting my standards. Because of this, I can’t stand to be nit picked. Nit picking drives me to distraction and is positively the BEST way to push a hot button of mine and cause a most interesting reaction. Thankfully, so far, the only time I have been nit picked recently has been electronically so no one ever sees the reaction.

I think that *may* be it, although I’m not entirely sure. This is all I can think of tonight anyway. Besides, 698 words is a long enough post, you probably don’t really want to read anymore.

Random thought

Ok. I must be ill. I'm sitting here relaxing after cleaning my house after having some friends over for dinner and a very productive meeting to determine the new church's "bylaws" and suddenly a thought enters my head. It's more like an urge to go do something. And that something is...travel. I suddenly felt a strong desire to fly somewhere other than home. I will repeat myself. I must be ill. :-D

Really, it's all good.

So I've noticed something recently.  Don't know why I didn't notice this before, but it's suddenly hit me.  And I've heard this before from other women who have struggled with fertility problems.  But it's the "conversation." Them: "So, how long have you been married?" Me: "Coming up on 5 years."  Them: "Any kids yet?" Me: "Uh no."  Them: "Oh well you're young, there's plenty of time."  !?!?!  And meanwhile, internally, I'm thinking, it ain't for lack of trying! Why is it that the immediate assumption when people find out you've been married for several years is, oh there should be kids?  It just makes me want to cry, because it's not like we haven't been trying, for the past 10 months anyway.  It's not like I haven't managed two pregnancies, but my incompetent body won't allow me to keep them past 5 weeks 3 days.  And no, there is NOT plenty of times.  If I am having these problems at the young age of 28, where the heck do you think I'll be at 30 or 32 or older?  In terms of fertility, at 28 I'm already well past the "prime." 

I already feel like a failure since it seems like something that should be natural and easy to obtain is impossible for me.  I mean what is the point of all this crap that I, as a woman, must go through if I'm not going to be able to carry a child to full term?  And why for goodness sakes, did I worry about birth control for those first years of my marriage?!  Not like it would have mattered, since my body is just a useless piece of crap.

The tone of this may sound angry.  You wouldn't be too far off the mark.  I am angry.  I cover it well.  You would never know it by looking at me or talking to me.  You ask how I'm doing, I'm going to say fine, good, whatever is the proper response.  But walk one day in my shoes, holding a brand new baby and fighting back the tears knowing that it should have been yours in your arms.  Watching your husband hold that baby and just the delight in his eyes and on his face, and knowing that you will have to fight with every ounce of your being to provide that for him and rely on the medical profession to make it possible for you.  Me?  Rely on anyone other than myself and my  God?  Never say so.

Maybe that's my struggle.  Realizing that I can't do this, that my imperfect body will never allow it.  Statistics may say that I do not have that much greater of a risk of miscarrying a third time as I did a second time.  I'd rather not try to prove those statistics right or wrong.  I can't take a third loss.

Constant bruises?

Ok so I'm not sure this whole taking one baby aspirin a day to "thin" my blood is entirely the thing I need to be doing. I've noticed since I began this regimen that I now am bruising very very easily. For example, I now have a bruise around my arm where my watch usually sits. What is up with that? I don't think that is normal. Not only that, but I have 4 or 5 small bruises (about the size of a finger tip) on my arms and legs, but I don't remember running into anything or being hit with anything or grabbed roughly? And the one place I did get smacked good, I have no bruise, just a goose egg type bump that is to this day, still very sore.

On another note, looks like I may have a deck when I get home! I am currently traveling in Las Vegas for work and Andrew and my dad are working feverishly to build our deck for our backyard and the phone call from my mother today indicated that they have the majority of it done! So I'm looking forward to getting home and seeing my new outdoor space. Now if only I could have some grass....and a fence! :)

Grumpy

Wow, so I'm apparently grumpy, lol. Must be leftover hormones or something, I dunno. Reading over last nights post, I have to learn to not just let my mind go in my writing. :-D

Frustration

Ok so I think I've had enough of being kicked when I am down. Ever feel like the world is just out to get you? Ever get to the point that enough is enough? Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and not get out. I am so exhausted and I'm tired of being exhausted!

So anyway. It's been a weekend. First, Andrew is driving around doing his vending last Thursday when the overdrive light comes on. He takes it to be looked at and is told the transmission is failing and it's only a matter of time, and by the way, it's $1800 to repair it. Now some of you may not know, but Andrew's truck is a 98 Ford Explorer that has seen better days. It's been wrecked at least 4 times, one of those was a roll over that salvaged it. It has 170,000 miles on it and we were only keeping it until the wheels fell off. We always planned on buying Andrew something a little better for when he began teaching. We did NOT want to fix it now. So what to do.

While we were still contemplating that, we had the carpet people at the house to fix the carpet in the basement as it had started bunching up in areas. While doing that, we discovered that our basement is now leaking in a different area than ever before! So we piled dirt around the foundation hoping that would fix the problem before it rained again that night. And the result? More water. What next?!

Well then Sunday, we are returning home from church in the truck, driving up the hill on Noland Road and what happens? You got it. The transmission fails completely. We can't go forward, backwards, nothing. We are stuck in the middle of the road on a big hill. We are finally able to go backwards (thanks to gravity) and get the truck off the road and get a tow home. So now we are forced to buy a vehicle NOW. We had hoped we had at least a month. So we search, we scramble, and we stumble upon a 96 Explorer with less miles for a price we are willing to pay. We test drive, we decide to buy.

I have to work from home on Monday to leave Andrew access to a vehicle to take care of the car purchasing. And then...our power goes out AGAIN. For the 10th time since Memorial Day. At 830 in the morning as I'm in the middle of composing an e-mail. Now I'm dead in the water for work if I don't have e-mail/internet access. There isn't much I can do. So, unshowered, I get a ride over to my parents to work from there.

Tuesday, my doctors appointment with our fertility specialist. While I was mostly excited about it, I wasn't sure what to expect. And I get there, and well, it doesn't start out well. The doctor begins by lecturing me on not having a D&C on both of my miscarriages. I explain my reasons (being that a D&C is an abortion..but my baby's were already dead) and he proceeds to tell me that I never had a baby, it was only a mass of cells. Well at this point I'm almost crying. I simply respond with "It was a baby to me." He shut up about it, I dropped it and we moved on to the rest. Turns out he feels my eggs are probably not good quality, hence the low progesterone I keep experiencing. And he wants to test me for endometriosis and look at my other bits to make sure nothing there is bad. Which is good, because he doesn't want me to get pregnant again, only to loose that baby as well. He seems to think that my stomach issues could actually be caused by endo and not ibs or collitis as was thought.

So here I am, wondering what God's plan is for me. Wishing sometimes I could see things from His point of view. Wondering why He feels so far away right now. Wondering why I feel so disconnected from Him. Where have I gone wrong? Have I gone wrong? Is this just a test? Is this like Job, where in fact God has so much faith in my faith in Him that He knows I can handle this? In reality, things are not that bad. They just feel bad. Because there seems to be no end, and no hope. Everything seems to be such a battle. Everything is a fight. I don't know where I'm going or where this road will take me. And the uncertainty is making me nuts.

Thick blood

Check it out. Does this not sound like me or what?

http://www.jigsawhealth.com/articles/thick-blood.html

Can explain my history of stomach issues, eh???