Stronger

Yesterday was a day full of triggers.

I have no idea why.  There was nothing even remotely associated with the NICU or anything yesterday that would cause this random day.  But it seemed anything and everything triggered that pit in the bottom of my stomach and the feeling of just wanting to puke my guts out.

Regis and Kelly (although I think it's just Kelly now), the sight of the hospital Elisa was to be born in, the smell of the hospital where I went to visit the NICU I'm volunteering in.  And the smell of the soap.  The freaking scent of that soap that stayed on my hands after I washed them and it took everything in me not to claw the skin off of my hands just to get that smell off of them.  What could I do, I had to wash my hands?  Don't know that I would have trusted just the hand sanitizer I had in my purse since it's a spray on.  But man, that soap was like a fire on my hands and I just wanted it OFF.

On the way to the NICU though, I was listening to the song "Stronger" by Mandisa.  Now the song itself is really speaking to the "letting go and letting God" message when bad things happen, but there is a stanza in that said:

"He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger"

Gonna make you stronger.

Haven't we all said this or something similar at some point to someone when they were going through a tough time?

When I heard this, yesterday though, all I could think of was dangit, I didn't want to be made stronger.  I could have gone the rest of my life in my ignorance and weakness, not having known a darn thing about any of this.

Don't know that I will ever use that line as a way to console someone going through a significant event in their life.  It's the last thing they, at least I, would want to hear.