25 weeks...and still counting

10 more days until the trouble started with Elisa. Still find it sad that the first thing that pops into my head is that simple fact. It's always there, just under the surface. Just far enough under that I don't know it's there until it bubbles up and slaps me in the face.

Overall, it's going ok. Several pre-term labor scares that just turned out to be virus' causing the symptoms. I'm still "locked up tight like Fort Knox" according to the doctor, so that's good. I haven't been sleeping, mostly because I think I am more scared than I realize. But that fear is so far under the surface that I don't think I consciously know it's there. I can say in my head and to others as much as I want that I believe it's all going to be ok and that I'll go term...but if I don't believe it in my heart, my body doesn't get the message I guess. This is resulting in some serious tension in my back causing me to be unable to sleep. I haven't had more than 2-3 hours of broken sleep a night since 20 weeks. I'm EXHAUSTED. Doctor finally gave me some medicine to help me sleep and it was a muscle relaxer. First night was a bust, but last night, I actually only woke up twice (when Elisa fussed) but went right back to sleep. I can tell it was muscle tension causing the back aches because my back is SORE now from finally being relaxed. Maybe only a few more nights and I'll be able to relax entirely on my own?

Diabetes is, well, diabetes. I'm having a hard time finding enough to eat. But I don't have a monitor yet so I don't know if I'm just not having enough carbs. It's such a balance, and it's hard to find if you don't know what is spiking your sugar, or what more I could eat, etc. That help and appointment should come tomorrow morning (finally!). And yesterday, I absolutely gorged myself on some chili, thinking if it had carbs, it was a low carb meal. WRONG. We looked it up when I got home and according to this website we found, said one cup was 45 grams. Oops. I had 3.5 cups. I was HUNGRY and it was the first time I felt FULL in weeks. And it was ohhh so good. I didn't feel any "sugar" effects though either? OH well. Bring on the monitor.

Shrimp at 25 weeks:

Head to heels, your baby now measures about 13 1/2 inches. Her weight — a pound and a half — isn't much more than an average rutabaga, but she's beginning to exchange her long, lean look for some baby fat. As she does, her wrinkled skin will begin to smooth out and she'll start to look more and more like a newborn. She's also growing more hair — and if you could see it, you'd now be able to discern its color and texture.

Sometimes I sit in this realm of unreality (is that a word even?!) when I think of this date. I find it so hard to believe that in 4 short weeks, I was looking, feeling, touching Elisa in that incubator. Just 4 weeks! It boggles my mind what we went through with her. I just can't comprehend it at the moment, thinking about it with this baby. One more month.

Little one, I'm looking for 3 more months...please don't be like your sister and listen to me on this one!