Odd longings

Pregnancy after a preemie.

It's a rather daunting prospect. In some ways, it's allowed me to be able to relax a little bit more and enjoy this pregnancy more. I'm not so scared this time around. Not like I was with Elisa. Every appointment I went to for Elisa, I was terrified she would be gone. Every day I waited for that other shoe to drop.

But thanks to what I went through with her, I know so much more. And it's allowed me to fight to get what I needed from the medical field so far. It's made me a "priority" with the doctor's office. I love my OB, but I wasn't too thrilled with her back staff. And this time, I'm not scared every time I go in. Even when I went in for spotting, I still wasn't scared. It's sort of like I just have this peace with this one. That it is what it is and it's going to turn out how it will turn out. It's like in having my heart broken and picking up the pieces and carrying them around has in some odd way increased my faith in God. As I've said before, He gave me everything He promised me He would. Just wasn't the way I would have liked it.

So that being said, I will admit to a few things. And the reason I'm writing tonight. I just feel a need to say it.

Flashbacks. Yes. They are back. Those last 3 weeks of my pregnancy with Elisa keep flashing through my mind at odd random moments. Don't really have any pattern to them. They just appear. I'm told from friends who have had pregnancies after traumatic ones like having a preemie, that this is common and that they will most likely escalate badly from 26-29 weeks and then once I'm beyond 30 weeks will slow down and even possibly go away. I hope so. For the most part I'm handling them ok. But they do make me sad.

In addition, I find myself with this odd desire to go back to Arizona. I think it's because it's "known." I know how things work at that hospital. I know the people. I know the NICU. I know how it works and runs and how to work the battles that inevitably come up there. I know who to turn to in order to get something done. It's just known. And in a world of unknown right now, it's comforting.

Doesn't mean I'll go back. Still want to have this baby term and at home. But someday, I will go back to show Elisa where she started her life and hopefully meet some of the amazing people who helped make it possible for her to come home.